Author Topic: The Emperor's Valkyrie OOC  (Read 3811 times)

Offline Elva

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The Emperor's Valkyrie OOC
« on: November 16, 2010, 01:37:05 AM »
Kay, so I sat down and wrote a little piece to help me get the feel for my Inq and her warband. I'm afraid it might be a bit short and fast paced, though my editor assures me its fine. Please feel free to let me know any issues with it, it is the first time I've written in character in awhile, so there is a probability of error.


If you're reading this and its not posted, give some time to copy paste from word :P
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Offline Kallidor

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Re: The Emperor's Valkyrie OOC
« Reply #1 on: November 16, 2010, 03:15:23 AM »
Pretty good I thought for an intro. There are some spelling errors but I don't suppose that's too important but there were a few phrases I thought were a bit clumsy.

The first being 'deep within its depths', which sounds off, 'deep in its heart/core/et cetera' perhaps or just 'in its depths' might well suffice. Secondly 'whose clip was located within the stock', whose doesn't sound right when the possessee is an inanimate object, 'where the clip...' or 'with the clip' might sound better. Also, lasguns don't use clips (neither do most guns; they use magazines) but energy cells/power packs. Thidly, 'her coat dun up' should be 'done up' and 'buttoned/zipped up' would sound better. Fourthly, 'there beside her there where two others' seems quite clumsy, I'd remove the first there (it should be were as well, not where). Lastly, 'An even taller, giant as some would say, a preacher' an even taller what? That could do with some tidying up.

The only thing was the archeotech pistol, you can't really get archeotech pistols but some times an item of archeotech can be a weapon of some sort but generally it would be so ancient or unusual in design that it would be difficult to recognise it as a weapon at first glance.

All in all though, I thought it was pretty decent. Will there be more or was it just a one off?
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Offline MarcoSkoll

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Re: The Emperor's Valkyrie OOC
« Reply #2 on: November 16, 2010, 03:50:26 AM »
Reads well enough. A few bits of the conversation flow a bit oddly and a few turns of phrase are also slightly out of place - but neither is damning.

One thing you should bear in mind... this forum has a swear filter on a certain four letter word you used. If you want to keep things more flowing, it might be better to choose an alternative.

That's not necessarily a bad thing though. A distinctive choice swear can help differentiate between characters. It also says a lot about their composure. Someone who doesn't break down into a string of interconnected obscenities at a minor setback is probably more level headed than one who does.

Quote
carried an exotic lasrifle over her shoulder whose clip was located within the stock.
Two things... Kallidor beat me to the first one, in that it's not a clip. See here.
Secondly, I'd agree that it's a bit odd in flow, but I'd just say use the word "bullpup".

On another weapon related note, I find the way Elva says the flamethrower only has one shot left pretty weird.
While for game purposes, flamethrowers are given a nominal shot count, in reality the fact they can be fired in bursts of infinitely variable length, so it's a bit odd to talk about discrete shots.
Personally, I'd word it more like "They can't have much fuel left" or "They've probably only got enough for another short burst or so."

But then, when I use "shot counting", the character usually gets it wrong for some reason. Gut instinct, guesswork and hoping the enemy is out tend to be more reliable in my writing.
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Offline Elva

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Re: The Emperor's Valkyrie OOC
« Reply #3 on: November 17, 2010, 08:23:34 PM »
Glad it went over so well ;D

I was worried about the awkwardness, but like I said, its the first in character piece that I've done in awhile, but the more I write the better it will get. Spell checker is also misleading at times and as much as I hate to rely on it, it does save a lot of heart ache, other times its just me being stubborn with the spelling.

Also, I posted Kaede already and her weapon is noted there as archeotech that she received as payment or stole during her days as a Dark Runner.

More you ask? I think I might just take you up on that. Though it was an exercise, I think it has some potential, especially getting such good reviews.

Feth, I worried when I saw it was blocked out. I'll see about personalizing their curses, that's actually a really great idea.

On the topic of the bullpup, I was trying to go by a lesson I was taught that stated "show, not tell". I figured it was a bit fast flowing and simplistic enough in places that it was as good a time as any to add some depth, plus I wanted the rifle to be memorable.

The flamer I didn't see coming, but they had someone to reload as the tanks where one shot each, and she saw the last one. It was basically a smallish hellhound flamer mounted on a buggy(can't remember the specific make) so it required a lot of fuel. The problem I am assuming is in the fact that I didn't describe what she saw and she didn't have time to explain her reasoning. Plus Church has learned not to question a commander(especially Elva) in the heat of  battle.

All in all though I am rather content and will use this feedback and motivation to make the next one even better. This will all warm me up for when we actually start our campaign and that piece I said I'd do way back.

Many Thanks

MacK
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Offline MarcoSkoll

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Re: The Emperor's Valkyrie OOC
« Reply #4 on: November 17, 2010, 10:09:28 PM »
Feth, I worried when I saw it was blocked out. I'll see about personalizing their curses, that's actually a really great idea.
It's an idea that came to me mostly because of my own swearing habits.

Most of my friends know me as quite a tame swearer, with typical offerings being along the lines of "Pox", "Cock", "Damn it" and "Piddle". But that actually makes my swearing far more distinctive than anyone who just uses the "F-word" all the time. It also puts far more gravity on it when I do swear strongly, the handful of times a year that actually is.

And that's a useful narrative tool. If you've got a character who resorts to "Oh Darn" when they've just been ambushed by a full platoon of Traitor Guard, then:
a) it means they're pretty hard to peturb.
b) and if you can get point A into your reader's mind (but don't force it!) you can also then use them swearing more strongly to immediately demonstrate how bad a new situation really is without having to layer on a thick explanation and ruin the flow of the story.

Quote
On the topic of the bullpup, I was trying to go by a lesson I was taught that stated "show, not tell". I figured it was a bit fast flowing and simplistic enough in places that it was as good a time as any to add some depth, plus I wanted the rifle to be memorable.
I have to disagree. If every time you could use a more apt and concise wording you went for a long winded and simpler worded version, it would make a story read like it was for people with literacy problems.

Worst case scenario, if you think something is likely to be misunderstood, explain it the first time:
"... and carried an exotic lasrifle of bullpup design, with its magazine set far back in the stock."
That way you've both used the shortcut for those who understand it, and explained it to those who don't for future.

"Show, not tell" doesn't mean "use more words". It means "use descriptive words", so you shouldn't discard apt words when they are available.
The difference between "more words" and "more descriptive (but still reasonably concise)" is what separates good writing from tedious purple prose.
« Last Edit: November 17, 2010, 11:22:11 PM by MarcoSkoll »
S.Sgt Silva Birgen: "Good evening, we're here from the Adeptus Defenestratus."
Captain L. Rollin: "Nonsense. Never heard of it."
Birgen: "Pick a window. I'll demonstrate".

GW's =I= articles

Offline Elva

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Re: The Emperor's Valkyrie OOC
« Reply #5 on: November 17, 2010, 10:33:48 PM »
That makes things a bit more clear now. I'm no stranger for cursing as I do have a bit of a swearing symptom with my tourettes, though I usually keep it to myself despite its rather colourful nature  :P. But I feel it necessary to point out that that's only about 10% of us that have that type of tic and it is not as common and in your face as hollywood likes to portray it(may be stating the obvious).

Anywho, I've done my daily awareness blurb. Though I see where you are coming from, I'll keep that in mind.

Best of both worlds then? I like that mentality. Though my mindset was that I wanted to create a picture(aka showing). But in the end your argument makes the most sense.

Ahhh I can feel those rusty gears moving again.
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Offline Wulf

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Re: The Emperor's Valkyrie OOC
« Reply #6 on: November 18, 2010, 12:26:00 AM »
I'd like to echo Kallidor and MarcoSkoll regarding the bullpup lasrifle. The sentence feels awkward. First, there's her physical description, but the same sentence also includes the description of her weapon. I'd personally split the two, because the sentence seems to give as much attention to her weapon as herself. And personally, I'm more interested in her as a character than in her weapon (don't get me wrong, weapons are cool, but in the end they're just tools that your character uses).

I'd also like to point out one instance of show, not tell. In describing Jack Church, you mention that he carries himself "oddly civilized", then he is the one cussing the most, which in my opinion doesn't fit "oddly civilized" very well. All I'm saying, the description doesn't seem to fit the later actions.

Further... I'm all for hard men and shrugging off injuries while on an adrenaline high, but I'd like to suggest that if you get even grazed in the helmet by a heavy stubber (think M2HB), you're going to feel it. A lot. I'd have had Church down for the count if he took a glancing shot to the helmet from a heavy stubber, but that's just my opinion. YMMV.

All in all, it's a nice story. A little combat-heavy for my taste, but overall nice. A good illustration of Elva's demeanor under fire, as well as an introduction to her warband.

Offline MarcoSkoll

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Re: The Emperor's Valkyrie OOC
« Reply #7 on: November 18, 2010, 01:03:13 AM »
Though my mindset was that I wanted to create a picture(aka showing).
And don't let me stop you, but writing should still be concise and avoid unnecessary verboseness. Too much description can fall back into "tell", by reading like some god-forsaken cross between the Twilight series and a police report.
(Note to self: If that ever happens, go on murderous rampage. World too broken to be fixed, might as well have fun.)

but I'd like to suggest that if you get even grazed in the helmet by a heavy stubber (think M2HB), you're going to feel it.
... that depends. "Heavy stubber" appears to cover anything from light machine guns like the 5.56mm Minimi up to things like the 14.5mm KPV.

It's about as specific a term as "Machine gun". Except perhaps that people might be less likely to mistake Assault rifles and SMGs from falling under "Heavy Stubber".
S.Sgt Silva Birgen: "Good evening, we're here from the Adeptus Defenestratus."
Captain L. Rollin: "Nonsense. Never heard of it."
Birgen: "Pick a window. I'll demonstrate".

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