Author Topic: OOC: The Revelation  (Read 1990 times)

Offline 420Jesus

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OOC: The Revelation
« on: September 19, 2011, 08:37:24 PM »
Good read. looking forward to more

Offline Ynek

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Re: OOC: The Revelation
« Reply #1 on: September 22, 2011, 09:20:57 AM »
I enjoyed what I read so far.

There are some little touches that I particularly enjoyed, such as the description of the heavy, muggy air on the planet. When I read it, I could almost taste the metallic tang in the air of industrial pollution. Also, I felt that the dialogue was quite well crafted.

One small criticism (I always try to find something that can be improved upon, to help the author improve...) is that there are a few places here and there the pronoun 'she' is used for more than one person in a given sentence or statement, leading to a certain ambiguity in who is being referred to in the text.

One example is the final paragraph:

The cowled figure stepped foreward and produced a thin, dainty hand from underneath her long cloak and wordlessly held it out.  Her shake was surprisingly strong and the woman had strange tattoos on her hand and forearm.  Reminded her of a spider.  Maedra turned to Melphane, Kelesia followed her gaze.  The aging man nodded his head slowly with that famous grin once again on his face.  She shrugged and turned back to the woman revealing herself for the first time.   Her eyes locked with the woman's thin, dark eyes and her face went white.
Whose face went white? The mysterious cowled Maedra, or Sister Kelesia?

The window to her left shattered and a leather clad figure rolls to her feet.  Kelesia wasted no time on eying up her opponent.  She stepped forward and feinted low before striking at the woman's face with right.  Her arm crossed her vision as she swung and she almost staggered off balance when she missed completely.
Who stepped forward and feinted low? Kelesia or her opponent? Whose arm crossed Kelesia's vision? Who staggered off balance when they missed completely?

Another small criticism is that there are occasional lapses between past and present tense. For example, in the above exerpt, the first sentence: "The window to her left shattered and a leather clad figure rolls to her feet." should have been "The window to her left shattered and a leather clad figure rolled to her feet." However, this is a small issue and could easily be fixed with a little proof-reading.

Anyway, don't take my criticisms too harshly, I just like to point out things that can be improved upon. Overall, it's a pretty solid opening for what I'm sure will be an interesting and intriguing story.
"Somehow, Inquisitor, when you say 'with all due respect,' I don't think that you mean any respect at all."

"I disagree, governor. I think I am giving you all of the respect that you are due..."

Offline Xantcha

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Re: OOC: The Revelation
« Reply #2 on: September 23, 2011, 11:26:19 PM »
Thanks for all the advice.  I'm glad you enjoyed what you did.  More is coming, just working out the kinks in the drafts.
"Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants. We know more about war than we know about peace, more about killing than we know about living. Is this the Imperium I fight for?"  Sister Kelesia, Order of the Black Rose