My Leader of my warband

[Hiver20]

Hi there, this is my first background of any character I will be doing, so here goes.

My name is Carl Kohl, I am a Captain of the 13th Death Eaters Regiment, I come from the planet Gaia V, I was born in Hive City 1, the type of family I come from are those that do not stand out  in a large crowd, but when my recruitment papers came I went without hesitation to the local PDF  centre where I was to be taken to the Star Fort Hell 666, where I began my long training as a Imperial Soldier. They found I was proficient in hand to hand, also  that I was alright in Ranged combat as well and that I was a natural born leader so I was promoted to the rank of Sergeant and I quickly gained rank all the way up to Captain. When I achieved the rank of Captain I was allowed my own style but I kept to a Imperial style with a slight skull twist like those Death Korps of Krieg.
My Commanding Officers have often questioned my methods of how I get things done, as I do not follow the Imperial Creed completely and often get by own merit and skill. Also my Commanding Officers ask how I am able to do things with such a laid approach to life, but my higher ups don't get that I get very serious when Trooper are in danger.
So I once I am able to get off this Star Fort and away from my home world I will take my most trusted men and find my own way of life as well as find my confidant who says he can help me with being free from the Imperial Dogma and to have as much power to wield  to stay free.

A extract from the renegade Captain Carl Kohl, who is now know as the Dark Lord and commands the Celestial Shroud (A Adeptus Mechanus Light Cruiser)

What do you think and also what would his stats be, thanks from Hiver20

[Koval]

Hi there, this is my first background of any character I will be doing, so here goes.

I'll be honest, the writing style needs a bit of work, but that will eventually come. It should work better in the third person.

Let's have a look at the background.

--13th Death Eaters? I'm guessing you like Harry Potter.
--Gaia V sounds a little unoriginal -- there are plenty of planet name generators on the Internet, so have a punt and make something up.
--Of course his family wouldn't stand out in a large crowd, have you seen how big crowds are in the 41st Millennium?
--The "recruitment papers" bit seems a little odd. Was this a compulsory draft? If not, surely he'd have gone to the PDF anyway to sign up rather than wait for them to send him an application form.
--"Star Fort Hell 666"? Oh dear.
--It's also worth pointing out that PDF training doesn't tend to take place on star forts -- there's a perfectly good planet right there under his feet, and PDF units are generally raised in such numbers that shuttling them off-world would make no sense.
--"alright" in ranged combat? You can do better than "alright".
--Did he go from the PDF to being a full-blown Imperial Guardsman?
--Promotion from Sergeant to Captain: While it can (and does) happen that a NCO receives a commission as an officer, it's far more likely that if Kohl were a "natural born leader", he'd have enrolled as an officer cadet and made his way through the Lieutenant ranks before hitting Captain. This also eliminates the problem of him jumping straight in as a Sergeant.
--The rank of Captain is not especially senior, as officers go, so while a bit of a personal touch on a company level is one thing, for him to be "allowed [his] own style" is somewhat different; in any event, skulls are everywhere in the Imperium. On that note, would he necessarily know about the Death Korps of Krieg?
--The Imperial Creed has nothing to do with how to conduct a military operation; do you mean the Tactica Imperialis? Surely his orders would come down from the top anyway.
--I should imagine that if Kohl were as lackadaisical as you're implying, he'd have attracted the attention of a Commissar and/or priest by now to help him find his way, troopers' lives in danger or not; his superiors' opinions are the ones that count in that respect, not his own.
--He's still stuck on his home world? What has he been doing such that his troopers' lives are in danger? Are we supposed to infer that his home world's stuck in the middle of a civil war? Perhaps an alien incursion?
--Not sure I understand why he's suddenly gone renegade. One or two disagreements with the brass would make only the most insecure of people go bad. Is Kohl especially insecure?
--If he's a Captain, he should know well enough that finding "[his] own way of life" is pretty darn difficult. He's in the military now, son.
--The confidant could've been introduced a lot earlier, even if the renegade bit stayed until the end. Having said that, the idea that there's a poisonous confidant (while certainly nothing new) could be explored a bit further, as it's a potentially interesting hook into why he went rogue.
--The "Dark Lord" title is awfully overused. I'd be tempted to try for "[noun] of Some Place" or "[noun] of Something". As an example from another setting, Grand Moff Rycus Kilran from SW:TOR is known as the "Butcher of Coruscant".
--How does he have a light cruiser? Do remember that these things are over four kilometres long and have a crew numbering at least 50,000 (at a very conservative estimate; it's more likely to be 65,000+). Keep in mind that that's the equivalent of putting Hereford or Lowestoft into space.
--How did he seize control of an Adeptus Mechanicus warship?
--How are the Adeptus Mechanicus not chasing this guy down in an attempt to reclaim stolen assets?
--Does he even need his own ship?

Apologies if I sound snappy -- rest assured that I am trying to help you develop a coherent backstory.

We had a discussion about characters' ships and what seems justifiable under which circumstances here, so that might be food for thought if you've decided that Kohl absolutely must have a ship, but do keep in mind that even the smallest of starships will generally have a crew numbering in four or five digits.

[Hiver20]

Thanks for your input,
my character home world is a feral world that is in a post-apocalyptic state so that is why he was taken to the Star Fort
Everyone of the planet is called in to join the guard.
The local PDF are non existent but the bases are still there and its the guard that pick the recruits up via them coming voluntary or forced if necessary.
Kohl was promoted to Sergeant and he then worked his way through all the ranks leading up to Captain.
I guess you are right about him most probably catching the eye of the commissary, because of his laid back leadership style.
Kohl still has dreams of not being tied to just serving the Imperium but serving himself but because of his commanding officers wanting him to be in line with everyone else they send him on all the menial tasks of patrolling the outer rim of the local star system or sending him to break up riots at the PDF bases where people don't want be recruited.
I couldn't think of a good word to describe that he was a good shot but not as good as he was in close combat.
How he knew about the Death Korps of Krieg is because his star system is only a few light years away from theirs and they have trade and commerce with them.
The confidant I thought could be a rouge Inquisitior of the Horusian ideals and he thinks that Kohl could be one of the divine avatars.
I guess its a bit cheesey but its all I could think of, also the name of the Star Fort was all I could think of as well so if you have any good ideas Id love to hear them.
The guess he doesn't really need his own ship but he could of commandiered a ship for him and his trusted followers.
Thank very much again for the input and the reason why the background and my wording is a bit shody is because my spelling and grammar from a young age to even now is still quite bad.

Hiver20

[Koval]

my character home world is a feral world that is in a post-apocalyptic state so that is why he was taken to the Star Fort

Being from a post-apocalyptic feral world is no barrier to training on your own planet. In fact, given what most death worlds and death-world regiments are like, he's at an advantage if he trains at home.

Everyone of the planet is called in to join the guard.

"Everyone"? How does the planet sustain a population if every single person joins the military? It also needs to be much clearer that he got drafted.

The local PDF are non existent but the bases are still there and its the guard that pick the recruits up via them coming voluntary or forced if necessary.

Don't confuse PDF and Guard; the Guard get shipped off all around the galaxy, whereas the PDF stay at home.

Kohl was promoted to Sergeant and he then worked his way through all the ranks leading up to Captain.

As a late-entry officer, he should be less prone to going renegade and having a lax command style -- he's a veteran soldier and will have done some pretty impressive things firstly to get as far as receiving an officer's commission, and secondly to remain in a command position for as long as he has. As such, he'd be less likely to demonstrate questionable behaviour.

Kohl still has dreams of not being tied to just serving the Imperium but serving himself but because of his commanding officers wanting him to be in line with everyone else they send him on all the menial tasks of patrolling the outer rim of the local star system or sending him to break up riots at the PDF bases where people don't want be recruited.

If he's from a post-apocalyptic feral world, then I don't think he'd be doing much space travel, unless he's going to a new warzone. Patrolling the system's outer edges is something that the SDF would do, not the PDF. I'm also not sure that it's up to him to enforce a draft...

I couldn't think of a good word to describe that he was a good shot but not as good as he was in close combat.

I might use "capable".

How he knew about the Death Korps of Krieg is because his star system is only a few light years away from theirs and they have trade and commerce with them.

Not sure there'd be much trade with Krieg -- the planet apparently exists only to produce the Death Korps. There must be non-Guard types on Krieg, but given the Krieg recruiting methods (which result in ridiculous attrition rates even before the poor saps join the Death Korps), and how they basically rely on cloning en masse just to meet the tithe, I wouldn't imagine there'd be an awful lot to trade with. Agri-worlds probably supply Krieg with food because they have to. A post-apocalyptic feral world wouldn't have much to offer Krieg anyway.

The confidant I thought could be a rouge Inquisitior of the Horusian ideals and he thinks that Kohl could be one of the divine avatars.

"Confidant" generally refers to someone in whom the character can confide (hence the name). Basically, if Kohl is Othello, his confidant would assume the role of Iago. The rogue* Inquisitor would be a completely different character.

*We hear about Rouge Traders a fair bit around here. Apparently, make-up is an exotic commodity in the 41st Millennium.

I guess its a bit cheesey but its all I could think of, also the name of the Star Fort was all I could think of as well so if you have any good ideas Id love to hear them.

The first name I can think of at the moment is "Indomitable". It also doesn't need to be a Star Fort, so if it's just a regular orbital then "Outpost KX-Alpha" should also work.

The guess he doesn't really need his own ship but he could of commandiered a ship for him and his trusted followers.

Then it would be considerably smaller than a light cruiser. I don't imagine he'd be that good at running it either, as his training as an officer wouldn't necessarily extend to knowing how to command a starship.