Author Topic: Wargaming for poets - discussion  (Read 12996 times)

Offline Brother_Brimstone

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Re: Wargaming for poets - discussion
« Reply #60 on: July 11, 2010, 11:28:43 PM »
Good to be back; I'm rather ashamed at how much i missed the clave and inquisitor in general while i was on holiday - i think i'm now fully addicted...

Thanks for the comment; while writing, that verse was my least favourite - i'll have a think about it and see if i can fix the rhythm. I think the problem is line 3 is too long and 4 is too short, so i'll try to balance them.

Now exams are passed, expect to see a fair amount progress on my WIPs too! I also made use of my 2 week absence from technology to write a giant background on The Organisation and read the core Dark Heresy rulebook (amongst a huge stack of other books - i read a lot normally, but when i dont have dvds and miniatures to divide my time, i consume books!). Anyway, long story short i'm back with renewed vigour and far too much free time!

Apologies for the slight off-topicness, but thanks for the comment.
« Last Edit: July 11, 2010, 11:30:34 PM by Brother_Brimstone »

Offline Kallidor

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Re: Wargaming for poets - discussion
« Reply #61 on: July 12, 2010, 01:29:10 AM »
A very poignant piece.
Be Pure!
Be Vigilant!
BEHAVE!

Offline Shannow

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Re: Wargaming for poets - discussion
« Reply #62 on: July 26, 2010, 02:59:13 AM »
Just a short one, the imagery in my mind is that of a man, a traitor, with shattered belief in the imperium, wandering through the streets of a fallen hive, dressed in a long ragged red trenchcoat with a gasmask on and holding a rifle. He is pushed not my glory for the chaos gods, but a determination that if he were not to enjoy the emperor's promised land, then nobody shall.

I'm generally poor when attempting rhymes, so any suggestions etc would be lovely :)

Rob
I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched c-beams glitter in the dark near the Tanhauser Gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain.

Time to die.

Offline Brother_Brimstone

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Re: Wargaming for poets - discussion
« Reply #63 on: July 26, 2010, 03:45:15 AM »
Nice imagery, just a few quibbles;

'All bleached bones
Dry as dust,
Through cluttered streets,
And shattered dusk.'

Here, i get the sense that the 'through' refers to nthe narrator, but there's no indication of that. it's almost implying the bleached bones are 'through cluttered streets' and i'm not sure that 'through' is the right prepostion for that, as it requires movement. It would have to be 'throughout' and that's rather too long. If it is for the narrator, while it is implied there is nothing to state that it refers back. In short, the wording confuses things a bit. A full stop after 'dust' would imply a new subject, and thus would provide a sufficient resolution, if the 'through'refers to the traitors. If not, you need a new preposition.

'Such grey edifice' - one syllable longer than every other line in the poem (providing you pronounce 'Emperor' in the way intended), sounds rather out of rhythm.

Towered spires
Of broken grief,
Embittered hearts,
Through lonely streets.

Same problem as above, who does the 'through' refer to? The structure implies it is the 'embittered hearts'. This one, however, is workable. If the 'embittered hearts' are the embittered hearts of the traitors then that actually makes sense and is fair enough, but then a full stop is more suitable after 'grief', as otherwise they are the same sentance and thus it implies the towers and the embittered hearts refer back to the same subject. I think the entire issue would be solved by changing the comma to a full stop, as long as the 'embittered hearts' actually are the traitors.

'Ghost we wander
In worlds abound,'

- I'm not entirely sure what that means; is he addressing a 'ghost'? If so, then there should be a comma after 'ghost'. Is he refering to himself and other 'ghosts', if so it should be ghosts rather than ghost and still a comma after ghosts. As it is, i can't really make sense of it.

Anyway, i hope you don't feel that i'm being a bit too harsh, I just perhaps got the sense that in places coherency was sacrificed for the sake of rhyme.
« Last Edit: July 26, 2010, 03:48:00 AM by Brother_Brimstone »

Offline Shannow

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Re: Wargaming for poets - discussion
« Reply #64 on: July 26, 2010, 03:53:15 AM »
The bones, hearts and ghost were supposed to be representative of all those that felt that the emperor had turned his back on them, though the image in my head was but one person, the poem was supposed to be an embodiment of all the lost souls that had strayed from the emperor's light.

As far as punctuation goes, I am a scientist! and as such my punctuation is utterly poor and I really struggle with punctuating to make the poem read I as I intended, will take your advice and play around with it, though may leave till morning :P

With regards edifice, wasn't happy with how it sounded, though I never count syllables tbh, will also work on that, though I am always open to your own ideas or refinements?

Thanks for comments mate!

Rob
I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched c-beams glitter in the dark near the Tanhauser Gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain.

Time to die.

Offline Brother_Brimstone

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Re: Wargaming for poets - discussion
« Reply #65 on: July 26, 2010, 04:06:10 AM »
Actually, on the 'bones' count you out-metaphored me! I thought you mean that they were literal bones of the dead on the street, but if the bones were metaphors for the traitors then it was spot on and I have egg on my face :P

As for the embittered hearts one, a full stop after the 'broken grief' would resolve it nicely.

For the 'ghost' one, 'ghost' is singular and 'we' is plural, so it needs to either be 'Ghosts, we wander' or 'Ghost, I wander' but the latter seems to make less sense. I would opt for the 'ghosts' option.

Finally e-di-fice is three syllables, in my opinion you should switch it for a two syllable word, bringing the line back to four syllables, which fits better (although the poem does seem to switch between three and four syllables, that still keeps a reasonable metre that scans well, the one five liner threw it off). Building is a two syllable synonym, but wildly less poetic. A thesaurus suggested 'rockpile' which changes the meaning rather, but i think actually creates quite a nice image, while feeling poetic. However, the meaning change may be too much to maintain coherency of image. I'm sorry to say i can't find a perfect replacement.

Hope that helps, and as i say, i by no means consider it a bad piece of work; it has very dark and intriguing imagery.

Offline Shannow

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Re: Wargaming for poets - discussion
« Reply #66 on: July 26, 2010, 04:10:50 AM »
Woo eggy face :P hehehe. Looking at it again I only just realised there was no 's' on ghost..Doh! Will add that in in a second.

I have to say I greatly appreciate the fact that you are using a thesaurus at 4am to help improve my poem! Says wondersabout you and for the class of people on the clave :)

I will have a think on edifice,,,,would ruin work? Hmmm ponder, ponder, ponder.

Thanks again

Rob
I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched c-beams glitter in the dark near the Tanhauser Gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain.

Time to die.

Offline Brother_Brimstone

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Re: Wargaming for poets - discussion
« Reply #67 on: July 26, 2010, 04:17:54 AM »
I think

'Such grey ruins,
That loom above,'

Is a good replacement.

As for what consulting a thesaurus at four in the morning says about me... that's probably another matter; maybe one for some sort of psychologist :P

Offline Shannow

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Re: Wargaming for poets - discussion
« Reply #68 on: July 26, 2010, 04:27:03 AM »
It would not surprise me if there was one on the clave! Just have to put an advert out :P

Thanks for help, will edit now! Look forward to whenever you write your next one also :)

Rob
I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched c-beams glitter in the dark near the Tanhauser Gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain.

Time to die.