The Conclave

Before we get to the fruits of my labour, I should explain why this is the final draft, even though I said that the last one was. After an over view with my GM, there where some details that didn't work well with his plans in the previous one. I was about to give up on the guard vet, then i started watching a rather interesting series called Black Lagoon that inspired me and I figured I might as well put that towards a character I have been working on for the better part of a year. So hopefully this one is better and it is the final, I have to goahead from the all mighty GM and I feel good about this one as well.


Onto Elva. She shares a lot of characteristics with Levi(character from the series) which is what I based her off of, but Elva is my character, and I did combine the aspects I liked of both rather well in my opinion, but only the ensuing posts and critiques will tell. Not much to say other wise, apart from my apologies with all the different drafts I posted, I've learned my lesson and this time was due to poor communication. If you have any questions as to the rest of the warband, fell free to ask. They are detailed a bit here and I have a pretty good idea of what they're like.

So here we go, attempt number six I believe... but hey, that's my lucky number :P


Captain Elva Bullen

History

Elva Bullen was not always the blood-lusting psychopath that she is today. Imperial records show that before her recruitment into Inquisitor Dutch's retinue, she was a distinguished officer in the Roanpur 6th Amphibious Assault Corps. They go further to state that her heroics at the storming of the Fortress of Death on Isgolth secured the beachhead for the armoured landing force that took the ground needed for the placement of the large artillery.  However, as reported in her medical records, the taking of Disegus X was her final glimpse of sanity.

Disegus X was an important industrial world that was immensely overpopulated and of key strategic value to any force that could posses it. Hence the invasion by the rogue chaos space marine Dacleos of the Emperor's children. Some how managing to enter the world undetected, he amassed a huge force of followers in a matter of months from the squalor.

Rebellion ensued and soon a force from Lord Decrolian's Sixth Army was sent to recapture the world. Elva was in the second wave of Imperial troops that landed into the massacre. The rebels were clever in their ambushes the urban-industrial environment which along with their fanatic indifference to losses made them almost invincible against the raw Imperial recruits.

Contact was lost after the fifth landing had been on the surface and the navy was quick to bombard several cities, though they could not be sure that they had taken out the threat entirely. A blockade of the world was made until further reinforcements could arrive.

About three months later, the force did come, however with them they brought a holy servant of the Imperium to deal with Dacleos. Dutch landed in the first assault, which succeeded in achieving a landing hold so that heavier equipment could be transported to the battlefield. Two more weeks of fighting passed before they arrived in a  battle scarred hab block. There they found local Imperial resistance combating a larger enemy force that contained horrifying daemons. Preacher Anderson immediately readied his wards and they moved in to assist.

The battle was short but costly, three hours and three hundred and fifty guardsmen later, the last heretic was dead on the ground. Yet one stranger stood amongst the loyalist forces, a bloodied and rather indifferent officer of a company that was destroyed almost four months earlier.  Her shaggy blonde hair was stained with dried blood and her fatigues torn and equally stained along with a soot covered face. Anderson was ready to purge the survivor when Dutch stopped him. He inspected her, looking her up and down. On further debriefing, it seemed that she had miraculously survived the massacre and hid out with the local resistance, even taking a spouse before they where all killed by the enemy.

Dutch could easily  see that the trauma had deranged her, however it was in a form he could use, as his suspicions where confirmed after he observed her in the cultists counter attack. She seemed to enjoy killing, especially the cultists, either out of hatred or necessity, she had became a sadistic and dangerous weapon of war. Her treatment of survivors was also noted when her las round to head policy was demonstrated. She was allowed to stay on as long as she obeyed orders, which she did unquestionably as long as there where cultists to kill.

The slaying of the Traitor Marine occurred five months later by Dutch in the underground section of an old manufactorium. Elva is credited with being the only guardsman to route a wave of cultists, their losses and her fearsome reputation overriding their chaotic zeal.

The Inquisitor slew the tainted marine and Anderson managed to purge the taint from the area, while Enforcer Church and Dark Runner Nisho managed to hold off the corrupted masses.

With the head cut off the body whittled away and soon the world was purged from its taint. Inquisitor Dutch considered what to do with the former officer, she was too dangerous to rejoin a regiment unsupervised, and he was in need of a strong fighter to compliment Church's invincibility. He offered Bullen a spot on his retinue, to which she accepted, on the conditions of "booze and blood". The deal was made.

Personality and Retinue Relations

Indifference and sadism, that is how most would describe the veteran and they wouldn't be far off, however what most fail to see is the cause of her anti social tendencies. When she was on the battlefields of Disegus X, she grew close with those locals which she fought along side, and as more and more of them where bloodily slaughtered in horrific ways, her mental resolve gradually was whittled away until killing became her very existence, so why not take a little pleasure in it? Off the battlefield her daemonic smile is replaced by a moody and cocky tone that most find hard to deal with. She can be quite socially aggressive as well, in the most literal form of the phrase, though Dutch keeps her in check most of the time. In the end she is very emotionally unstable and enjoys killing.

Elva stays clear of Preacher Anderson, his constant, well... preaching and religious outlooks are rather bothersome and there are better things she could do with her time. Church rather dislikes her, as he stands for law, order and justice, while she'll murder in cold blood after shooting out a persons knee caps for the fun of it. Kaede is one of the few to take a sympathetic look at the guardswoman, and they get along well despite one being cool and calm and the other is comparable to an armed bomb. Inquisitor Dutch does his best to keep her in check, yet he has the upper hand in as he can release her killing power to his will and need.

Appearance/Quirks/Combat Notes

Elva is tall, six foot two, but she is nimble and quick, taking her killing as a precise art to be refined and practiced. She has a mane of shaggy blonde hair and her steel blue eyes are always on their target. When she fights, she has a cocky smile that oozes contained glee, or as Anderson described "She has ae smile that would scare the foulest of horrors back t'ai the warpe." . Her fatigues have been restored and she wears them almost exclusively.

When an enemy appears, she is the first to draw hear weapons: two twin auto pistols that can fire precise killing shots. Her twin gun technique is deadly when combined with a reckless close quarters, almost direct melee style. In battle, unless ordered otherwise, she takes no prisoners.

Elva Bullen

WS BS S    T   I   Wp  Sg Nv Ld
52   89  57  55 91  65  47  82  38

Abilities: Melee Pistols, Acrobatic.

Equipment: Two twin auto Pistols, 2 reloads, 4 manstopper rounds.

Melee Pistols:When using her twin auto guns, Elva can fire in close combat using her Ballistic skill and can make placed shots.

I'm going to apologise in advance here. I'm starting with a critique that while written with the best of intentions may say some things that could come off as harsh.

I'm a little surprised at quite how much you change this character with each writing.
As you spoke of a long running character, that gave the impression of a more solid idea of who Elva was, but I can only really see three constants between each version - her name, her height, and her gender. But her personality traits, skill set, the backstory... these things seem to change every time.

But I don't think this is a problem with your creative assertiveness. With your other characters, you seem quite able to settle on who they are pretty quickly.

So, I think the problem is Elva. Perhaps her concept is too Schroedinger-esque.
Like Schroedinger's famous cat is both (and neither) alive and dead at the same time, it seems that the idea of Elva may be undefined to the point that she is everything and nothing all at once, and that's why you've now written several versions - you don't quite know who she is to write her.

I don't know whether you agree with that, but I've been seeing a very wide range of good concepts that however don't seem to work for you.
As I'm not used to seeing a character go through so many large rewrites, I'm winging it with my guesses as to why - but fortunately, I'm very very good at winging it (to quote one of my catchphrases).

~~~~~

Anyway, to talk about this version specifically...

QuoteHer shaggy blonde hair was stained with dried blood and her fatigues torn and equally stained along with a soot covered face.

Any particular reason she's wearing fatigues? Fatigues are specifically a non-combat uniform.

QuoteElva is credited with being the only guardsman to route a wave of cultists, their losses and her fearsome reputation overriding their chaotic zeal.
The Inquisitor slew the tainted marine and Anderson managed to purge the taint from the area, while Enforcer Church and Dark Runner Nisho managed to hold off the corrupted masses.

Seems over effective. The way you've written that, it reads as Elva single handedly routing an attack, an Inquisitor single handedly slaying a Chaos Marine, and two others holding off something you yourself have described as "masses".

I think you need to imply a little help in there.

QuoteWhen she was on the battlefields of Disegus X, she grew close with those locals which she fought along side, and as more and more of them where bloodily slaughtered in horrific ways, her mental resolve gradually was whittled away until killing became her very existence, so why not take a little pleasure in it?

I read this quite often in fiction, and it's a bit of a cliché.

Firstly, what you'd actually get from that is post traumatic stress disorder, not a psychopath. But this is fiction, so there's some leeway.

I guess my problem really is the line "so why not take a little pleasure in it?", which implies rational reasoning behind psychopathy, and there just isn't. It's a mental disorder, so there is no sane reasoning behind it.

I know quite a few people who have or had varying degrees of insanity/mental disorder (not murderous killers though), so I've had quite a lot of insight into how minds work when they're "broken" - and lucky, how they get put back together.

The basic rule is as I have already said - insanity does not have sane logic behind it.

QuoteRetinue Relations

I think you've overlooked part of psychopathy in this.

The simplified version is that sociopaths and psychopaths look at people in one of three ways: 1) Useful. 2) Not useful. 3) In my way.

They don't really make friends. They may SEEM to get on with someone, but it's usually only superficial and transitory, particularly in someone quite this off the rails.

~~~~~

Anyway... stats.

Two stats of ~90? Ouch. Personally, I'd drop her BS by ~20 points and give her the gunfighter skill as a trade off. I assume the high BS is to compensate to a degree for the penalties for two weapons, but while people here often speak out against the gunfighter skill, it's not a sin to use it. Better that than an astronomically high BS to compensate.

QuoteMelee Pistols:When using her twin auto guns, Elva can fire in close combat using her Ballistic skill and can make placed shots.

I think this is rather nasty. Unless you're foregoing critical hits, you shouldn't also get placed shots. Combining double damage and choice of location is pretty nasty.

As someone who uses a character who uses twin pistols in combat (and with a much lower hit chance), I know how it can often play out even without extra rules.

I'm guessing you're looking for something a little more lethal than Jax was intended to be though, so how about this. I'd nudge up her WS or perhaps just give her a hit bonus when using her pistols, then give her an increased critical chance with the pistols (1/5th, rather than 1/10th).

That should still be nicely nasty, but not quite so devastating.

I think you might have just hit something there Marco. She is an old character, at least for my time-line, hence I created her before I learned how to use her properly, and now her idea is watery as I never settled down on a concept that I enforced to the point where it became natural to her. Its a frustrating thing to deal with, especially since she is my flagship character, one of the few that I created from scratch and that I'm very proud of. Do you have any suggestions on how I can salvage her? So far my best idea is to think long and hard, then pick out a suitable concept and stick with it to the bloody end until it fits in its place.

I think after this I will keep this idea in stock, the gun-fu idea is pretty cool, and maybe I could include a character later on. Those suggestions about the game mechanics for it are pretty good as well, I'll reference them when I make the character as the rules are slightly fuzzy in my brain atm.

My apologies for the terrible description of the psychology, it was hard to fabricate since I was trying to base it off of a character from a series that I have only gotten so far in. Though, in my experience, insanity does have logic, its just horribly warped to the point where it differs to such a large degree from the norm.

Thanks for the eyeopener, I think it might just have given my what I need to finally make this character as cool as she deserves. It might be awhile before I post her again(for the last time!!!!), though the other members will probably be posted if I get in the mood to work on them.

ok from  what I  have read of this
Elva seems to being  setting her self up to be  popped by Slannesh

Emperors Children Space Marines
taking pleasure in  killing
and  even  using  a pistols  such  close  range (  point blank )  has a sadis  quality to it
and to describe her  as  indifferent  it adds a uncaring  and unsympathetic taint to  her
move over to  make a deal  for  booze and blood  really sets Elva up as a hedonist

just  keep feeding it  Slannesh will be along shortly to  clam her  Child

now you need to question   why would  your  Inquisitor (  Dutch is it ? )
want such an  person   in there retinue ???

you would never be able to trust them they will be a magnet for  chaos to  home in  on

they  could  turn  on you in a minute  and  become  a puppet  for  Slanneshs  bidding

Quote from: O_o on November 07, 2010, 05:42:46 AM
now you need to question   why would  your  Inquisitor (  Dutch is it ? )
want such an  person   in there retinue ???

Maybe the inquisitor is studying/ hunting down slannesh demons and is simply using Elva as bait to draw them in. If Elva proves to be a problem, there would be no real problem in "disposing" of her. From my understanding, most Inquisitors view their henchmen as assets or tools to be used then discarded when broken or they have served their purpose.

If the Inquisitor happens to be going on a mission where her sadistic personality would be a hindrence, he could always leave her behind.

Quote from: Elva on November 07, 2010, 04:01:57 AMIts a frustrating thing to deal with, especially since she is my flagship character, one of the few that I created from scratch and that I'm very proud of. Do you have any suggestions on how I can salvage her?

In the end, she does need to settle as one character.

So you need to take what you can decide on about her, and build up from that. Read over all your previous versions - find the things you like.

Many of your earlier versions (the drafts where she's an Inquisitor) included a degree of obsession with aliens, so perhaps you can work on that kind of idea - although perhaps you should consider a negative obsession instead (i.e. an obsessive hate, rather than obsessive like, as you started with.)

If you want her to feel like a flagship character, she needs to be colourful, making her a lead character rather than feeling more like she's in a supporting role. So I'd suggest a fairly strong protagonistic personality, something to make her a driving force in the story. A murderous psychopath with few other concerns can become more of a weapon than a character if not carefully handled.
(And, to be honest, it reads like Inquisitor Dutch looks upon this version somewhat like that.)

I've got a something of a parallel with Silva Birgen, in that she's an older concept than any of the rest of my current crop of Inquisitor characters, but also not a warband leader.
I didn't intentionally write her to fit any character profile, but the reason she (rather than any of my other old characters) became popular with me was that she was a strong and interesting personality.

She didn't start with quite such character as she has now, but she grew that way after a while. You'll probably find that if you can start with something you at least like and stick with it, gradual (rather than drastic) change will make her more and more what you want. If six months down the line you decide you need to make bigger changes to be happy with the character, then do so - by then, you'll have a better idea of what doesn't work.

QuoteOne of the few that I created from scratch and that I'm very proud of.

So, what elements are you proud of? Look at all your versions (even the non-40k ones!) and work out what parts you were really proud of. That's where you need to start.

I had to make a few decisions regarding what parts I liked when I rewrote Jax Lynn, taking out the metaphorical red pen and crossing out the bits I didn't like, highlighting the parts I absolutely wanted to keep and then writing new bits to fill the holes.

QuoteThough, in my experience, insanity does have logic, its just horribly warped to the point where it differs to such a large degree from the norm.

It doesn't have sane logic. It might come down to killing is all she knows, and she grows to like it, addicted to the adrenaline rush of killing, but the idea of "Why not enjoy it a little" implies some conscious intent to go mad.

Quotethe gun-fu idea is pretty cool, and maybe I could include a character later on. Those suggestions about the game mechanics for it are pretty good as well

One thing I should have mentioned earlier - one reason to take a higher WS is that because pistols are counted as "unarmed" in combat, they only get Reach 0, and that gives opponents some serious reach bonuses.

So you'll want at least a reasonable chance of dodging!

Thanks Marco,  :) that just made this a whole lot easier to deal with. Its been bothering me all day and I've been going through a draft after draft yet I can't seem to find something that appeases both the GM and myself. Right now I've managed to isolate it to the backstory, which I'm currently working on. My best deduction is that the backstory is essentially a justification of what the character is now. Who and what they are are influenced by the events of the past(I'm tempted to quote Karl Marx on that).

I will most certainly go through my old stuff(glad I saved it) and take notes.

Though in the end, I guess Elva has taught me some valuable lessons in character creation. I rue my trial and error learning policy despite its eventual effectiveness, and I apologize if its spilled over into the forum, once again I've learned the hard way.

MacK

QuoteMy best deduction is that the backstory is essentially a justification of what the character is now.

Basically, yeah. It tells you how the character became who they are now.

Of course, you need to be sure that who they are now works for you. A really cool story that produces someone who has no more story left to be told is unlikely to make a good Inquisitor character.
A successful character needs to have future potential and as of yet unanswered questions (and usually ones a little more thought provoking than "how will they die") - so I usually leave all kinds of hooks in my character backgrounds for places they could go.

A character who has that potential and inspires a desire to know what happens next in their story... they're a good main character. Those that don't, and serve only as part of someone else's story is supporting character material instead. (Supporting characters are not bad though - if they add enough value to whatever tale they're a part of, that's fine. It's just not their tale.)

QuoteI rue my trial and error learning policy despite its eventual effectiveness

It's the best way to learn. If you're not making mistakes, you're not learning.

You shouldn't necessarily mistake your approach for a failed one.
My character drafting usually starts with a vague idea, then expands out into brainstorming all kinds of different (and often contradictory) possibilities, which I then trim back into one coherent character.

QuoteI apologize if its spilled over into the forum

The forum is here for this kind of thing, there's no need to apologise.

Anyway, I'll now stop pretending that I'm in any way qualified to talk knowledgeably on these subjects - I'm not.

This is probably going to be stating the obverse and little help but...

Try putting your self in your characters situations when you design them. If you can manage to put yourself inside their head then you'll probably find it a lot easier to define them and to play them.

The best advice I've seen for designing characters is from the author Ray Bradbury who said that he began to realise each character he had written was based on part of himself, heroes and villains.

Since your going to be playing as the character the most important thing is you understand how they think, not just how events in their life changed them but how they felt going through them.

For example (and I apologise hugely in advance for using your character as a example) killing someone is not easy and situations as bad as Elva was in are unimaginably worse, so it's pretty common for it to change someone's personality, but try and think through the stages of the change.
1) you're isolated and outnumbered, it's unlikely you or those following you will survive.
2) You spend months in hell watching those who look up to you die (her soldiers) you hate your enemy with every ounce of your soul
3) You survive, alone. You've failed your men by letting them die, you failed your city by not protecting it (as it was the inquisition who saved the day) and your life as you knew it is over.
4) You're offered a fresh start and a chance to redeem yourself, however you are probably lacking faith in your self. So what would you do? Set up a "shell" personality, make up someone who isn't real so you don't have to deal with your own burdens, become the hero everyone thinks you are rather than the real person.

Anyway that's just a rough example, I don't think you should use it in your character but perhaps use it as a example of how you can think through how a character's mind/personality works.

Or just ignore it completely and do what feels best to you (probably the only good advice in this whole post ::) )