I will soon be posting a piece of fiction I am writing which is mainly just a test of my action sequence writing. Feel free to comment once the story is up in In Character.
I like it, especially the short introduction about the characters which will help define them for readers.
I too enjoyed reading this.
Just one technical point; breaking up large blocks of text into paragraphs with a line in-between them makes things a little easier to read, and helps avoid 'Wall of Text' syndrome.
At school today, I had a talk for the 1st 5 mins of lunch about what I could improve upon and all he had to say was to add more description to the characters and 40Klore items (chimera+hive cities) as well as some spelling mistakes. He was also very impressed with the sentence structure throughout and at the chapter climax. Just an outside opinion.
I'm not sure description of a Chimera is that necessary, any more than description of "a pick-up truck" is necessary when writing fiction set in a rural area. However, a Hive City is an opportunity to stretch descriptions, come up with bizarre and unique concepts...
He suggested discriptions for the benefit of non 40K literate people.
Well, that's a matter of knowing your audience - when writing an academic essay, I wouldn't necessarily describe what "incommensurability" is, unless I was engaging in a debate where the details of that idea were debated. However, if I were to write an introduction to the philosophy of science, or to the work of Thomas Kuhn, then I would describe it. If writing Star Wars fiction, I might not feel it necessary to describe what a lightsaber is. Is Insertion Zone for a 40K audience, or a broader milSF readership?
The way I could work it is to have a conclave/40K literate version and a non 40K literate version.
The next instalment will either be up later this evening or early tomorrow morning. this part of the tale is probably 12A due to extreme violence and destruction as seen in any action film.
EDIT: posted.
Nice!
A very dynamic fight-scene, you paint quite a picture. Still, I couldn't help but smile a little when you wrote that seeing himself covered in blue blood made Octavian think of himself as an 'Avatar', very James Cameron!
Nice thought there, didn't think of that myself. Also, I have actually changed the storyline a lot from what was scribbled down this morning in registration before lessons began.
I like the effect the carnage has on Octavian, he isn'tsimply killing, he retains his mental faculties and actually does some thinking.
Thanks, I am also really enjoying writing this. Most of the 3rd part was written during sports day (hate the things). In fact, all I did, for about 35/40 mins was sit next to a rugby post, and write using my science folder as a hard surface.
3rd part now posted.
After a period of idleness, I have finally finished part 4 which is now posted.
Interesting stuff, wheels within wheels within wheels, as Inquisitor should be. One is tempted to add that an Inquisitor who loses his sword is no Inquisitor at all... ;)
Quote from: SpanielBear on June 05, 2011, 09:33:55 PM
One is tempted to add that an Inquisitor who loses his sword is no Inquisitor at all... ;)
This is a monodominant who lost his sword so he probably went in at the top and had another one made.
Demanding them is a sure fire way to make sure you don't get any.
This is a slow forum, with bursts and lulls in its activity, be patient.
I am now converting Insertion Zone into an online RP. I have set the scene and now it is up to you to continue the story.
I will post the start of part 5 ASAP so don't start 'till then.
do people have an objection to adding to insertion zone/ it being a RP?
Scrap the RP bit, my next plan is to move this into OL's perspective of the Adeptus Astartes (Space marines). More specificaly, a company of space wolves he will be serving alongside in my 40K battles (me no like GKs) as he stems Tannen von hausing's istavanian style uprisings/ latd attacks/ iron warriors / full scale war with the tau.
Any ideas on which branch would make the best storyline?
I also wish to start an RP involving Octavian's Schola Progena as he is growing up there (might end up as an ongoing piece of fiction).
All comments to fractured opposition go here.
It is a well-written piece.
It is very interesting to see the background for a character starting with such detail this far into his past.
Thanks, my renued attention was caused by a friend I showed it to at school. I plan to continue it soon.
I will post a general timeline here.
The timeline as promised:
Timeline of Octavian Griess-Lars
902
944 M41 Lorenzo Griess goes to fight in the imperial guard
006
945 M41 Octavian Griess is born
006
953 M41 Comes of age, is given his inheritance, a knife made of rare metal
243
953 M41 Mother eaten by Catachan Devil, Octavian kills it and wears its hide as a cloak.
528/538
961 M41 Saves Freya Johnson, kills her lover and is taken to Volag Nok Schola Progenium with Freya and her brother Karazak.
006
962 M41 Arrives at Schola Progenium
728
970 M41 Octavian attains rank of High Master Scholar younger than any other at Volag Nok ever, and appoints Karazak and Freya as his deputes.
216
973 M41 Graduates and is apprenticed by Inquisitor Achilles along with Karazak and Freya who was drawn by tales of his talents
532
973 M41 As his first mission, he is tasked to locate a drug lord/ black market trader completely alone to test his worth. He uses trickery rather than brawn (as well as an air strike) to succeed.
653
980 M41 Is promoted to high interogator1 and leads missions with his closest friends, Freya, who is the master of interrogation, Karazak for brawn, but with brains and himself, somewhere between the two
942
983 M41 Promoted to Inquisitor. Supported by Inquisitors Achilles, Adaphaeon and Inquisitrix Isagone
342/937
984 M41 Following news of his mentor's turn to heresy, Octavian hunts down and executes him with help from an old inquisitor by the name of Van Der Rak.
985 M41 After a wild goose chase led him to the Velterax Subsector which he then makes his base of operations.
986 M41 He finds an STC bank which contains the plans for a pair of starships and a combat shuttle. He takes these to a Magos by the name of Blitzerk.2
990 M41/
992 M41 He has a large mansion built on an island on Velterax III, the sector capital. He also recruits a large force of guards.
993 M41 After relying on local forces for armies for decades, he joins the Ordo Malleus, the hammer of daemons for access to inquisitorial stormtroopers and other hidden boons
994 M41 Wins the battle of Daemon's Run, where the original leader (witch hunter Dictatus) is killed by Slaaneshi cultists with a combined force of Grey Knights and Sisters of Battle.
995 M41 Returns to Catachan and founds his personal guard, the Catachan Devils. See3 for details on initiation.
997 M41/
999 M41 Main Character Era
031+ M42 See Insertion Zone
1 Under Achilles, the head of his staff gains the suffix "-Lars" which he uses since his promotion to inquisitor as an alternative to Griess in many circumstances
2 Two small vessels, "Myrmidon" a Rapier class frigate and the "Asuras" a cargo transporter. Also, a Lucian pattern Combat/Campaigns/Command (CCC) Shuttle
3 To be selected for the Devils, you must pass a gruelling set of challenges listed in order below.
Prerequisites
• Be a native of Catachan
• Be over 16 standard years old
1. Survive 2 weeks in the jungle, alone with only a loincloth and a knife.
2. Select a gun and after 1 week of training survive a live fire exercise
3. Survive a Catachan unarmed duel against another applicant.
4. Fight a Catachan devil with only a knife and kill it.
5. Travel 500km through the jungle under the conditions of test 1