The Conclave

The Ordos Majoris - Roleplay => Out Of Character => Topic started by: Swarbie on December 20, 2009, 08:13:09 AM

Title: Lux Eterna OOC
Post by: Swarbie on December 20, 2009, 08:13:09 AM
Hi everyone,

Feel free to use this topic to post any comments, criticism of my fiction piece, Lux Eterna.

I have quite literally just started it today, and, knowing me, updates will likely be few and far between. However, I am determined to finish writing this one, as it is basically the last story of  my first ever Inquisitor (model-less and without stats or rules of any kind at the moment).

I ask all who wish to see this finished to nag and/or encourage me whenever they feel I am taking too long over an update.

I thank you in advance, and hope that I will be able to do this well. 

EDIT: Yes, I know the opening post is small. Don't worry, the actual log-book posts will be longer.
Title: Re: Lux Eterna OOC
Post by: Swarbie on December 22, 2009, 04:44:50 AM
No comments at all? I know it hasn't really got going yet, but still.
Soon things will liven up a bit.

But I really would like to know what you guys think. I was trying to present the softer side of my Inquisitor, which will give him something to fight for later on. 

Don't be shy. I'm not going to bite.

Much.  ;D
Title: Re: Lux Eterna OOC
Post by: MarcoSkoll on December 22, 2009, 05:40:20 AM
It reads like it has potential. I like to see people address the more human side of characters - it's all too dull to have Inquisitors who are stoic and exist only to fight whatever menace.

As I've said before, I find the concept of characters with nothing to lose an odd one - it's supposed to imply that they'll do anything and act fearlessly. In contrast, I actually think that a character who has something to lose is a far better concept, because they'll fight like hell to avoid losing it.

So, very much agreed with where you're going so far, and I'll be reading to see where you go with this.
Title: Re: Lux Eterna OOC
Post by: Swarbie on December 22, 2009, 06:49:05 AM
Thanks.

I do agree with how you think someone with something to lose would act. This is his home-world and direct family. If he thinks something is going to harm them, he's going to do whatever it takes.

The next part should be up in a day or two. Keep watching.
Title: Re: Lux Eterna OOC
Post by: Inquisitor Sargoth on December 22, 2009, 11:32:55 AM
Personally, I'm a fan of exploring what made Inquisitors into inhuman stoics and worse. I think a mentally normal and healthy person would crack under the pressure and unremitting horror. Which is also fun to watch, of course...

I wouldn't expect much by way of comments these days, Swarbie, with the IC boards the way they are (desolate, in short). 

So far, little has happened. The aliens have not made themself known, we know a little about the world and that our protagonist married an Untouchable. I'm guessing he's blunt.

Your writing is good however; I like the lack of purple prose (I'm assuming you're not new to writing). The third update feels little too domestic for the setting, but I suspect this is just to contrast with some later horror and to give it a more personal impact....
Title: Re: Lux Eterna OOC
Post by: Zephon on December 22, 2009, 06:28:53 PM
Are the current updates log-book entries?
Title: Re: Lux Eterna OOC
Post by: MarcoSkoll on December 22, 2009, 09:32:48 PM
I think a mentally normal and healthy person would crack under the pressure and unremitting horror.
Well, while I agree to some extent, we are talking about people with incredible strength of will. If someone wasn't possessed of such traits, then I figure they'd be unlikely to have become an Inquisitor in the first place.

I hardly see an emotionally normal Inquisitor as impossible.
That said, I'll play things lots of ways. Some characters of mine have become more detached over their backstories, some have become more extroverted.

Depends on what I feel like writing really.
Title: Re: Lux Eterna OOC
Post by: Inquisitor Sargoth on December 22, 2009, 11:22:15 PM
I think a mentally normal and healthy person would crack under the pressure and unremitting horror.
Well, while I agree to some extent, we are talking about people with incredible strength of will. If someone wasn't possessed of such traits, then I figure they'd be unlikely to have become an Inquisitor in the first place.

You see, I read incredible strength of will as borderline mental illness. A casual disregard for human life and the surety that you know better are essential for an Inquisitor, else they'd be wrapped up in guilt and self doubt. These don't make for healthy minds, hence why so many factions (most of them fueled by arrogance, 'I know best' or a 'I will suceed where others failed!') have formed. Also why you get so many Inquisitors who become heavy-handed fanatics or dabble far, far too deeply into chaos. But that's sematics.
Title: Re: Lux Eterna OOC
Post by: MarcoSkoll on December 23, 2009, 12:29:18 AM
People are all too different - each will cope in their own way.

Suggesting that Inquisitors can only be stoic individuals whose personalities can't possibly share any resemblance to a more normal person is a pretty limited base to work from.
Title: Re: Lux Eterna OOC
Post by: Inquisitor Sargoth on December 23, 2009, 12:55:09 AM
Not at all, they're all quite different, merely with one defining charecteristic that is somewhat unusual and hence definitive.
Title: Re: Lux Eterna OOC
Post by: Swarbie on December 29, 2009, 09:57:29 AM
Sorry to bump into this quite interesting discussion but-

+++Inquisitorial intervention sanctioned+++

"By the Will of He On Terra, I have succeeded in deciphering more of the downloaded data. This tale moves me deeply, for I never remembered the events that led to Jorken's death. Perhaps. . . Perhaps I will learn what happened to Marcas. Let all who read this bear the memory of my master in their hearts. I hope to uncover more soon."

-Inquisitor Fabio Glosche, Ordo Xenos  

+++Inquisitorial intervention terminated+++

There. A slight teaser about the end I have planned. I would like to hear your theories as to what I am planning.

Discuss!!!

EDIT: Yes, this means I added an update.
Title: Re: Lux Eterna OOC
Post by: Swarbie on December 30, 2009, 08:02:38 AM
Ta-da!!!!! I miraculously reveal yet another update, albeit a somewhat small one.

I hope you're all enjoying it so far. It may be a little slow at the moment, but good things come to those who wait.
Title: Re: Lux Eterna OOC
Post by: Swarbie on January 05, 2010, 10:26:24 AM
Ok, somewhat lengthier than usual update today. I got a little off-track explaining Jorken's . . . relationship (?) with his psychic self, but it's actually starting to lead somewhere.

Also, triple post!!!
Title: Re: Lux Eterna OOC
Post by: Swarbie on January 07, 2010, 05:29:20 AM
Another update. And if you can't guess what the alien menace is now, no cookies for you.

Quadruple post?
Title: Re: Lux Eterna OOC
Post by: Swarbie on January 09, 2010, 05:23:51 AM
Still nothing here.

Ah well.

I give you another update!!!!!!

(What would you call my fifth post in a row? A quintuple post?)
Title: Re: Lux Eterna OOC
Post by: Baraltax on January 10, 2010, 04:43:45 PM
I'm following your story with interest. The story line seems solid and intriguing, making me wonder what it'll turn out to be. And it's well written.

I'm missing a bit of flavour though. The surrounding world might need some fleshing out, in my opinion. It might be your rightful choice to concentrate more on the plot and actions, of course, but for the moment I can't really imaging how the surrounding looks like, the character of it etc. safe the fact its Hive.
Title: Re: Lux Eterna OOC
Post by: Swarbie on January 11, 2010, 07:38:39 AM
Ok, thanks for the feedback. I'll try to describe his surroundings a little more. Part of me feels it's a little reflective of his character; straightforward, and he already knows the place. As he ventures into places he hasn't been, I'll probably start adding more description.
Title: Re: Lux Eterna OOC
Post by: Swarbie on January 13, 2010, 12:12:33 PM
Ok. Sorry there hasn't been an update for a few days, but I'm actually at a drama workshop. However, that finishes on Friday, so I might to be able to do a short update then. In the meantime, feel free to discuss where you think the story's going, my writing skills, my general sanity, etc, etc.

To get some discussion started I'll ask a question: What do you guys think the alien menace in my story is? 
Title: Re: Lux Eterna OOC
Post by: Swarbie on January 16, 2010, 10:21:00 AM
Another update!!!!! I spoil you people, I really do ;D

Tried to put a little more description into this bit, but I'm not sure it worked. Maybe it just isn't my style.

Anyway people, tell me what you think. You know you want to  ;)
Title: Re: Lux Eterna OOC
Post by: Zephon on January 18, 2010, 04:33:28 PM
It's great, what with the mystery aliens and the suspense slowly building. How's Fabio going to end up not knowing what happened? No, don't tell me, I like the suspense.

Hmm, alien menace... some kind of vampire? That cloud thing from Star Trek? Lacrymoles?
Title: Re: Lux Eterna OOC
Post by: Swarbie on January 20, 2010, 09:06:19 AM
Ok, not much going on here in the way of discussion, so I think I'll reveal the aliens in the next update or so. Plus, I want to get this moving along, as school starts on the 1st of February.

Might get an update finished tomorrow.
Title: Re: Lux Eterna OOC
Post by: Swarbie on January 22, 2010, 05:56:15 AM
Update!!!!

I once again tried putting more description into it, and I think it worked better this time. Probably because I'm taking the character where he hasn't been before (in my mind).

Tell me what you think. To me, it's quite obvious what the antagonist race is in this, but maybe you people haven't been picking up on the little hints I've been dropping throughout the story.

Anyway, the aliens should be revealed in some form or another in the next up date, so keep wondering until then!
Title: Re: Lux Eterna OOC
Post by: Baraltax on January 23, 2010, 05:46:43 PM
I agree, it worked well there. I have the feeling that the Inquisitor is now grounded in the universe, that he is part of a surrounding, interacting with the world around rather than somewhere floating about. It immediatly gives the setting more flavour. The contrast between the sleek upper hive and the grim underhive is clear.
Title: Re: Lux Eterna OOC
Post by: Swarbie on January 24, 2010, 01:51:05 AM
Good. I'll be getting to work oon the next bit soon.
Title: Re: Lux Eterna OOC
Post by: Swarbie on January 25, 2010, 02:48:33 AM
Update!!!! And the aliens are revealed at last!!!!!

Yes, I may have toyed around with the genestealer biology a bit, but since I'm using a Hive Fleet of my own creation, that's ok.

Now discuss!!!! How will Jorken get out alive? Will he get out alive? What happened to Fabio?
Title: Re: Lux Eterna OOC
Post by: Swarbie on January 28, 2010, 08:18:33 AM
Another update, and, I think, the only one so far without dialogue.

I entitle it "Jorken vs Genestealer"

Everyone enjoying the story so far?
Title: Re: Lux Eterna OOC
Post by: Swarbie on February 07, 2010, 09:15:56 AM
Another short update. Sorry it's so short, but I'm kind of tired after going to see "Peter Grimes" at the opera last night.

However, I now have an urge to sculpt a 54 mm model, based on the hybrid Fabio's fighting. Don't expect anything, but I'm just putting it out there.

So, any questions?
Title: Re: Lux Eterna OOC
Post by: MarcoSkoll on February 07, 2010, 10:49:25 AM
It's good so far. I haven't got all that much to say, but I like what you're doing.
Title: Re: Lux Eterna OOC
Post by: Swarbie on February 07, 2010, 10:51:08 AM
Thankyou for posting anyway :)

I was getting kinda lonely after I posted here four times without a reply.
Title: Re: Lux Eterna OOC
Post by: MarcoSkoll on February 07, 2010, 11:10:27 AM
Oh, I know that feeling... "Is anyone actually reading this?"
Title: Re: Lux Eterna OOC
Post by: Swarbie on February 07, 2010, 11:30:34 AM
Yep, that's the feeling. Mind you, I viewed it as a challenge, to make it good enough that people would post a comment about it. I'm pretty impressed with what I've done so far. Just over 6100 words. I've never written that much before.
Title: Re: Lux Eterna OOC
Post by: MarcoSkoll on February 07, 2010, 01:48:29 PM
Only that many? ;)
You'll have to get working then - I've written single posts of nearly that length! ;D

... and I wish I could say I was kidding. The longest post of mine I can recall is the ~5900 word post I made for Frost's character sheet on the last version of the Conclave.

And that was an abridged version of her full background.
Title: Re: Lux Eterna OOC
Post by: Zephon on February 13, 2010, 08:23:30 PM
Eep! That's a big Genestealer infestation. I guess the Hive Fleet is on the way. Now the question is how is the Inquisitor going to get out to record the log and fight the Tyranid invasion. Perhaps he should have been a little more cautious. I suppose Marcus could provide backup though, so I'm still holding out for a rescue.
Title: Re: Lux Eterna OOC
Post by: MarcoSkoll on February 13, 2010, 10:01:16 PM
Now the question is how is the Inquisitor going to get out to record the log...
Who says he has to get out?

Undead Author. (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/UndeadAuthor) (WARNING- TV Tropes link!)
Title: Re: Lux Eterna OOC
Post by: Swarbie on February 14, 2010, 06:53:14 AM
I think he might have to . . . I'm not even halfway through the story yet. He's definitely not going to come through safe and sound. And the others don't have to make it, seeing as they aren't telling the story.

And, yes, the Hive Fleet is on the way . . .
Title: Re: Lux Eterna OOC
Post by: Swarbie on February 17, 2010, 11:43:53 AM
Hmmm, ok then. Anyways. More bad news. There is not much chance of an update this week. I'm incredibly sorry, but I'm in New Norcia for the next 4 days- no computer-access. However, I will make it up to you guys. Next week's update will hopefully be pretty long, maybe even over a thousand words. Who knows?
Title: Re: Lux Eterna OOC
Post by: Swarbie on March 05, 2010, 10:12:59 AM
Gah!!!! Sorry this took so long, but I've been really busy this last week.

Comments? Criticisms? Unhappiness with how this bit worked out?
Title: Re: Lux Eterna OOC
Post by: Swarbie on March 20, 2010, 10:04:06 AM
Hmmmm. Anyways. No update. I'm going through some writer's block. If anyone wants to PM me with suggestions about what might happen next, feel free.
Title: Re: Lux Eterna OOC
Post by: Swarbie on April 12, 2010, 02:23:38 AM
Never mind, I'm back on track. Although this is kinda short, because I was up late last night. However, it's given me a springboard to get the rest of the story going.
Title: Re: Lux Eterna OOC
Post by: Swarbie on May 08, 2010, 04:49:07 AM
Well, it's stalled for a while, but finally I've got a decent sized update to give you.

Enjoy.