First Character - Hereticus Inquisitor

[Cyanide]

Inquisitor Ezra Stoughton – Ordo Hereticus

Hiram Stoughton, came to Jezno IV after being offered a chance at a quiet peaceful life, and his ancestry had enjoyed this situation for nearly ten thousand years.

Hiram was a great farmer.  When he arrived on Jezno IV he was given a parcel of land to manage, and given a production quota of 1,000,000 kg of grain to produce annually.  This was a high request, and many of the people that came to Jezno IV in search of the peace and simplicity of Imperial agri-production found out that it was not a peaceful a lifestyle as they had been led to believe. If a agri-plot was not managed well enough it would not reach its production quota, which was seen as treason against the Emperor, and was punishable by death.  The planetary governor was responsible for overseeing global production and dealing with those that did not reach their quotas. 

Hiram never had problems meeting his production quotas though, and as agri-plots surrounding his own were freed up by failures, he petitioned the local magistrates to allow him to take over the plot, instead of leasing it to a new enterprising settler.  Plot managers were given a small percentage of the value of their crop back as payment for production.  While this percentage was enough to raise a family on if quotas were always met, it was certainly not a lavish pay.  Hiram realized that if he were able to manage multiple plots effectively, he would be able to increase his profits exponentially.   

While no one else was aware of his trade secrets, Hiram had a distinctly unfair advantage in raising crops, and it was this advantage that let to him eventually acquiring the rights to all of the agri plots on his entire continent.  Hiram was a very low level psyker who had a very specific skill set.  He was able to control plant life.  He could make plants grow at extraordinary rates, regardless of weather conditions, soil conditions or other issues that most "regular farmers" had to deal with.  While this power seemed very significant to Hiram,  he was such a weak psycher that his gift was never detected.

As generations went by, many members of the Sloughton family showed the same gift, and they were able to build one of the greatest agri empires in the Imperium, eventually taking over production of the entire planet.  It has been 6000 years since a Sloughton was not planetary governor of Jezno IV

As generations progressed, a small amount of Sloughton children began to develop other psychic powers, some of them just as mundane as the family's seemingly hereditary power, but some exhibited powers of a more spectacular nature.  These members of the Sloughton family are hidden deep within the far sub basements of Sloughton Manor whenever the Black Ships would draw near.

When dealing with the powers of the warp, it is only a matter of time before an unsanctioned psyker will bring disaster to those around him, and looking back on the Sloughton rise to power, it is incredible that it took so long for disaster to strike, and when it did, a young Sloughton boy named Ezra came to the attention of the Inquisition.

On a day that was completely unremarkable in every other aspect of life, what happened in the Sloughton Manor would change life in the sector forever.  Sloughton Manor was a huge complex about 20 square Kilometers in area, and it housed the entirety of the Sloughton family.  After 10 thousand years of dynasty building, it was all about to fall apart. The complex housed 3000 members of the Sloughton extended family, and about 60% of them were gifted in the same ways as their great ancestor Hiram.  When the warp rift first appeared in the auditorium, it was very small, about the size of a fist.  No one was hurt by its initial appearance, and no one in the complex understood what this strange and seductive orb was, but they could all tell that it was powerful.  It attracted the gifted members of the Sloughton dynasty like a moth to the flame.   

When they had all gathered around the warp rift, things quickly escalated.  The rift began expanding, and sucking members of the family into itself.  Still, no one panicked; they were all in complete awe of this orb, completely hypnotized by it.  The family members continued to stare into the rift as it expanded, devouring the souls of anyone who stood in its way.  After about 15 minutes, the rift had expanded completely enveloping the auditorium, and damning the souls of the entirety of the gifted members of the Sloughton family.  Then came the Daemons...

..................................................................

Inquisitor Farrow began his investigation at the source of the rift, the auditorium, which was now nothing but a charred crater standing in the middle of the Sloughton Manor.  He and his acolytes began to search for any information that might lead them to the cause of the rift, and spread out to search the manor itself.

The smell was putrid. A mix of blood, feces and the putrid stench of the raw warp lingered in the halls of Sloughton Manor.  Inquisitor Farrow knew the stench well; it was the smell of the Daemon.  It was obvious that the manor had been well decorated, as the intricate scroll work and precious metal frescoes inlaid could still be made out beneath the filth that now covered them.  He walked down the hallway and opened a door and opened the door at the end.

"Nothing quite like it when it's still fresh, is there sir?" Vallon exclaimed.  Vallon was Inquisitor Farrow's Interigator, and had been serving under the Inquisitor for twenty years.  He was one of Farows closest friends, and even felt very much like a son to the Inquisitor.

"No, there isn't, and no matter how many times I smell it, I can't quite get used to how it sits on my tongue." Farrow replied.  His upper lip curled in disgust. "Watch your step." He muttered back to Vallon as he stepped over the bodies of 4 children that had been torn apart in the incursion. "Have any of the other teams found anything?"

"No one has found anything of note yet sir.  I have instructed the other acolytes to inform us directly if they come across anything that could potentially point us in the right direction." Vallon said as he stepped into a puddle of blood that was much deeper than it appeared to be. "Son of a bitch!  These are new boots!"

Farrow chuckled at his apprentice's plight, but did not say anything.  He and Vallon continued to press forward through the carnage, looking for anything that could help them decipher what had actually happened to cause the rift.

After about 3 hours of searching, room after room and finding nothing but dismembered corpses, a crackle came over the vox "Gina to Inquisitor Farrow, please respond."

"Go for Farrow" The inquisitor barked back over the vox.

"Sir, I think we have found something that you might want to see." Gina's voice crackled through to Farrow's vox receptor.  The reception in the Manor was poor due to the recent warp activity.

"You will have to tell me more than that dear Gina, What have you found and where are you located?" Farrow laughed.  Gina was never one to give much detail when she spoke.  She was a very practical and to the point woman, who was more concentrated on getting her tasks done than telling explaining details.

"West wing, room 3782.  It's a boy"

..................................................................................

It took the Inquisitor about an hour to make his way to Gina's location and when he did arrive, he was amazed by what they had found.  It was a bedroom, and like every other room in the Manor it was covered filth, fluids and flesh from floor to celing, except for one spot.  On the bed, sitting cross leged was a small boy, about 8 years old.  He was perfectly clean and so was the area around him, a perfect circle about one meter in radius.  He sat on the white sheets, eyes clamped shut, and was repeating over and over again "Make them go away, make them go away.

"He's been doing that since we found him Sir." Gina proclaimed as soon as Inquisitor Farrow and Interrogator Vallon entered the room. "He hasn't opened his eyes, and won't respond to any of us."

Vallon reached out to touch the boy, but Farrow shouted "Stop!"  Vallon pulled back and looked at Farrow with a shocked expression on his face. "Sir?" He sputtered.

"He has obviously been able to protect himself from the Daemons during the incursion by the means of some kind of force field, and I suspect that it is psychically powered.  If the Daemon could not get to him, I fear to think what would happen if you had reached out to grab him."  Farrow Chuckled. "It seems that Gina's team had figured this out, but you are much more excitable than she."

"My apologies, Sir." Vallon stammered, and then stepped away from the boy. "Ha, You take these things so seriously Vallon, I'm just giving you a hard time!"  Laughed Farrow. "Although, do try to be more careful in the future!  I've spent 20 years training you and you would hate to meet your end before you are able to earn your Rosette!"

"Yes sir." Replied Vallon, still rather sheepishly as he pulled to the back of the crowd.  He hated being chastised in front of others, but he understood that Inquisitor Farrow lead his team as a Father figure, and that he treated the group of them as a family, rather than as employees.  It was not his own leadership style, but he had lived with it for 20 years, and understood it was how Farrow operated with those whom he felt close to.

Farrow sat down on the bed, seeming not to care about the blood and other filth that he was sitting in, and leaned in towards the boy.  Every time the boy said "Make them go away" Farrow quietly replied in a very soothing voice "We have made them leave child".  Every time that Forrow said these words to the boy, he seemed to calm down a little bit, pausing for longer and longer each time the exchange was made.  After the 13th time, the boy opened his eyes and looked at Inquisitor Farrow and said "Who are you, and what do you want with me"

Farrow looked at the boy, and in the same soothing voice said "I am Inquisitor Lucien Farrow, and I just want to find out what happened.  What is your name child?"  The inquisitor stood up and reached his hand out towards the child, inviting the boy to come with him.

The child reached out and grabbed the Inquisitor's hand, and stepped off of the bed. "My name is Ezra Sir, Ezra Sloughton."
 
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So, that's all I have so far.  Ideas for how the story is going to progress, Inquisitor Farrow is going to decide that Ezra would be a good candidate for Inquisitorial service, and is going to send him to be trained as a battle psycher.  After he receives his training (not sure how many years this will take, Farrow is going to take Ezra on as an Accolyte.  As an accolyte, he will move up over the next 20 years or so, to become Farrow's Interegator, and will eventually be nominated as an Inquisitor. 

Vallon is going to eventually likely become a nemisis, and Gina will probably remain a soldier in Farrow's service, not progressing much in rank, but I think she'll be a fun character to play with as well.  For now I'm going to continue fleshing out Ezra, as he will be my first player character, but I might come back to Farrow's grew later and create a warband for them with Ezra as an accolyte.

Let me know what you think so far, I know I still have a lot to flesh out before I make a player character out of him, but the creation of the background is very fun for me, so I plan to make it very detailed.  Probably 5 or 6 stories like this before I have a finished background, then I'll start thinking about stats.

[MarcoSkoll]

Not a bad start.

To give a little feedback...

Hiram was a psyker, and a very powerful one at that, but he only had a very specific skill set.  He was able to control plant life.  He could make plants grow at extraordinary rates, regardless of weather conditions, soil conditions or other issues that most "regular farmers" had to deal with.  His other remarkable skill was an ability to shield his essence within the warp, making him appear to be as psychicly aware as any normal person.

Although it's possible in the canon, "invisible psykers" isn't something that should be used too generously - and an entire family for many millennia is kinda generously.

In all honesty, I'd say it'd be fine to make him (and those members of his family that inherit the trait) a much weaker psyker - the Imperium have limits to what they can detect, but you don't necessarily need a whole heap of magic to make plants grow well. He needn't even necessarily be all that aware of his talents.

It might be that later generations include more powerful members who have to be hidden whenever the Blackships come around, but that's plausible for a powerful noble family to hide.

After he receives his training (not sure how many years this will take), Farrow is going to take Ezra on as an Accolyte.  As an accolyte, he will move up over the next 20 years or so, to become Farrow's Interegator, and will eventually be nominated as an Inquisitor.

The time on psychic training varies. Dark Heresy adds 3D10 years to the age of a sanctionite, but the Inquisition can probably fast track that by a degree. (And a psyker who can resist a major daemonic incursion even without training is probably worth fast tracking).

Still, he probably shouldn't be too young. While I can see the Inquisition putting children to use in some cases, they're not likely to be mature enough to start being considered as an apprentice until young adulthood.

Vallon is going to eventually likely become a nemisis

Although I don't know exactly what you're planning on doing with it, this could turn a bit cliché. It's not uncommon to have the original apprentice overtaken by the prodigy and have that turn into an ever more sour rivalry and then actual villainy - which gets a little trite after the umpteenth time you've read it!

It's not impossible to pull off the "ally turns nemesis" plot, but it's one to be a little wary of in how you do it.

[Cyanide]

Thanks for the feedback!  I like the proposed change to Hiram's power levels!  It makes a lot more sense for him to be weaker!

I was thinking somewhere in the neighborhood of 22 years psychic training and then another 24 years working his way up in Farrow's warband before being promoted as an inquisitor himself at the age of 54.

So fat is all just very loose ideas for what happens after Ezra returns from his psychic training, and I do see that the mermaids angle could be seen as quite cliche, so I'll keep that in mind as this story develops!

[Cyanide]

Part 2:

Once back to his ship, Inquisitor Farrow took Ezra to his chamber.  He saw great potential in the boy, as the ability to subconsciously shield oneself from daemons was a talent that the Inquisitor had never encountered before.  With the proper training he believed that the boy could be a very useful asset.  He would be trained as a battle psyker and once he completed his training, Farrow would return and induct him into his service as an acolyte. Inquisitor Farrow set a course for Terra, where he would turn Ezra over to the Astra Telepathica for training as a Primaris Psyker. 

Farrow had spoken a great deal with Ezra in the months following his discovery.  Ezra, despite his young age was very helpful in deciphering what had happened at Sloughton Manor.  He had an extensive knowledge of his family's psychic talent, and was able to bring to light the apparent cause of the warp rift. Farrow explained to Ezra that psychic powers are very dangerous in the wrong hands, and that people that are gifted in these ways must be properly trained to resist the evils of the warp.   

"You too will require this training if you wish to continue to serve the Emperor." Farrow explained to Ezra.  The sat together in Ezras chamber, a psychically shielded room that prevented all but the most powerful psykers from accessing their powers.  This was for both the safety of Ezra, but more importantly, it was for the safety of the rest of the souls aboard the ship.  The room was sparsely decorated, a bed in one corner, a desk in another.  There was a bookshelf near the desk that had a small selection of books relating to the history of the Imperium, stories from a forgotten age.  Farrow had encouraged Ezra to read these texts to increase his knowledge of history before they arrived at their destination.

"Is that where we are going now?" Ezra asked the Inquisitor.  He was full of questions, which pleased the Inquisitor.  Ezra seemed to have a desire to know and absorb as much information as possible, and his mind seemed to be able to process and retain information at an incredible rate.

"Yes child; that is where I am taking you.  We are headed to Terra, where I will turn you over to the Astra Telepathica, a school for psychically talented youths like yourself."  Farrow began to explain to Ezra. "You will train there and learn to control your powers, while at the same time learn to protect your mind and others from the powers of the warp..."

"So that what happened to my family doesn't happen again..." Ezra interrupted the Inquisitor.  It had been 2 standard Terran months since Ezra's discovery, and he rarely ever brought the incident up himself. 

"That's right, the reason that your family perished was that none of the many psykers that existed in Sloughton Manor were properly trained to harness their powers without danger." Inquisitor Farrow continued. "This fate was caused by their lack of faith in the Emperors training, and a deep set greed to keep their powers for themselves." 

"Why didn't they train?" Ezra asked, his voice cracking, he seemed to be on the edge of tears.
"They were motivated by money and power rather than service to the Emperor." Inquisitor Farrow said.  "You were lucky to survive that, child."  He then broached a subject that he had not yet discussed with Ezra. "When did you first manifest a power Ezra?"

"I was not one of the gifted children Sir." Ezra sheepishly replied. "All of the good children that were able to make plants grow lived in the East Wing of the Mannor, those of us in the West wing were the useless ones." He began to weep.  "I have never had any powers, and I was never able to do anything worthwhile."  Ezra was crying uncontrollable now, and the Inquisitor was shocked by what he was hearing. If Ezra had never manifested a power before the Daemonic Incursion, he was likely even more powerfull than Farrow had originaly thought.  To be able to protect himself from the Warp without even knowing that he had ability was amazing.

"When we found you, you kept muttering "Make them go away" over and over again.  Who were you speaking to?"  The Inquisitor asked.

"I was praying to the Emperor, who sent you to stop the daemons." Ezra cried. 

"Well, I'm glad that He did Ezra." The Inquisitor comforted the boy. "You may have been worthless to your family, but you will Serve the Imperium and will become a great man.  You will contribute to the survival of mankind, and many people will owe you their lives, but many will not even be aware that you have saved them.  Youwill become a powerful man, and will have to make many hard decisions, but your thirst for knowledge will give you a great basis to lean back on when making these decisions.  You will see many things that many people believe to be stories made to keep children from misbehaving.  You will fight these dark things in the name of the Emperor, and you will win.  You have started on a path that will be full of adventure, danger and higher learning.  Your life will be worth that of a billion farmers, and the Holy Inquisition would be honored if you would serve within it.  We are to be your new family Ezra, and to us, you are anything but worthless."

Ezra smiled, the kind of smile that one puts on to convince others that they are happy when really they are not. "Thank you Sir, It would be my honour to serve the Emperor within the Inquisition." Ezra managed to squeak out. "How long is the training going to take?  When will I be able to serve?"

"Depending on the candidate, psychic training can take anywhere from 10 – 30 years." Farrow said to Ezra.  "Once we get to Terra, you will not see me again until you are finished with your training."
"And when will we get to Terra?" Ezra asked.

"We will reach Terra tomorrow." Farrow told the boy.  "Rest now, for your training will begin immediately when we arrive and you must have all of your wits about you." Farrow told Ezra as he stood up and left the room. "I will see you again when we reach Terra, my Son."

[Cyanide]

Part 3:

Standing on the landing pad in front of the gates of the Scholastia Psykana, Ezra was filled with an excitement and a nervousness that he had never felt before.  His stomach was in knots ad both the promise of knowledge that he would aquire in this place, and at the thought of losing his new family, when Inquisitor Farrow would leave him in this place.

   "This is it Ezra, this is the place hat you will spend the next decades of your life, refining your skills and learning all that you can about they mysteries of the warp." Farrow said to yhe youngster with a glimmer of excitement. "You are already a very talented young man, but it is important that you learn to focus your talents so that you may become a protector of men, and not the cause of its damnation!"

   "I will study hard Inquisitor. I will learn all that I can, so that I am able to help you protect the Imperium from the dangers that lurk in the minds of its citizens." Ezra replied.  He had been reading a great deal about the history of the Imperium, history that only few were privy to.  I was not the kind of history that ws distributed to the masses of the Imperium, no, this was the true history, accounts from many sources that depicted the growth, maintenance and disasters that had befallen the Imperium ofer the past 10 000 years.  These were the most accurate texts that Inquisitor Farrow had been able to collect throughout his carrear as an inquisitor, as accurate as anything 10 000 years old could be.  He had read about the events of the Horus Heresy, the great betrayal of the Emperors favored Son Horus, along with half of the Emperors Space Marine Legions.  He had read about the events an Nikiea, where the Emperor is said to have banned the use of sorcerey, and this confused him a great deal.

   "Inquisitor, what is the difference between a sorcerer and what I am intended to become?  It seems to me that the Emperor himself has banned the use of talents like mine." Ezra asked the Inquisitor as the walked from the landing shuttle to the gates of the Scolastica. "There is a great difference my son," The inquisitor explained to the boy, "and you will learn the difference in great detail as you train here, but for now I will give you a brief explanation of the differences.  Sorcerers and Psykers both draw their powers from the warp, but do so in very different ways.  Psykers are naturally gifted individuals that can harness this power, while sorcerers must make deals and pacts with the daemons that reside in the warp in order to harness their powers.  This does not mean that all sorcerers are not naturally gifted though.  Many psykers have made these same pacts with the darkness in order to increase their power.  It is these dark pacts that define the difference between a psyker and a sorcerer."

   "I see.  So the Emperor did not ban the use of Psykers, just the use of sorcery." Ezra replied.  "That seems like a good idea to me, if sorcerers make deals with the things that destroyed my family.  Why would anyone do that?  Those things are evil!" Ezra asked, his voice rising in pitch and his cadence increasing as he spoke.  He was obviousle having trouble with the memories of his family's destruction.

   "Sometimes it is because they don't realize that they are dealing with evil, other times it is because they are evil themselves." Farrow explained to the child. "That is the job of the Inquisition's Ordo Hereticus, to track these people down and stop them before they hurt themselves or others."

   "And how do they stop them? Ezra looked up at Inquisitor Farrow with a longing in his eyes.
   "Usually, we kill them" Farrow said coldly.

With that, the gates of the Scolastia Psykana began to open and three hooded figures approached the Inquisitor and the child.  "We will take him from here Inquisitor" stated one of the men, although he didn't seem to need to move his mouth for Ezra and Farrow to hear his statement. 

   "This is it child, go with these men, and do everything they say to the best of your abilities."  Farrow said to Ezra. "I will keep an eye on your progress and when you are ready, I will come back for you.  Until that day, learn all you can, and train as hard as you can."  He looked one last time at the child as he began to walk away with the Adepts of the Scholastia. 

   "I will not fail Inquisitor!  I will see you again!" Ezra called back to the Inquisitor as he walked off to begin his new life.


That's it for Ezra as a child.  The next peice will include stats for him as a Battle Psyker, as a member of Inquisitor Farrow's Retinue.

[MarcoSkoll]

Inquisitor Farrow set a course for Terra, where he would turn Ezra over to the Astra Telepathica for training as a Primaris Psyker.

This is unlikely. I know you've not said where Jezno IV is, but assuming it's not actually in the Terran sector, that's a fairly lengthy trip. An Inquisitor's time (or a ship's time) is ill used ferrying around one small boy, even if he is something of a prodigy.

More likely, he'd take Ezra to the nearest Blackship (or, depending on his general approach, possibly demand a Blackship come to him) and hand him over with express orders that he is under the protection of the Inquisition.

This doesn't really much have to change the actual events of the story, just where they happened.

Farrow had encouraged Ezra to read these texts to increase his knowledge of history before they arrived at their destination.

I'm not sure an Inquisitor would just give the full and uncensored version of Imperial history to a child quite so soon after meeting him - after all, it's been censored for a reason.

Inquisitors are allowed their eccentricities, but it's possibly a bit too eccentric when a young boy has been given more knowledge of the events of the Great Crusade and Horus Heresy than many fully fledged Inquisitors would have.

Actually, to be more specific, a young boy found in the middle of a daemonic infestation. Most of my characters would default to a lot more caution towards Ezra than Farrow is exercising...

~~~~~

As a general critique of your writing style, these conversation scenes could do with more of the "Show, don't tell" style.

Going from lines of "show" conversation to "tell" narration like...

the Inquisitor was shocked by what he was hearing. If Ezra had never manifested a power before the Daemonic Incursion, he was likely even more powerfull than Farrow had originaly thought.  To be able to protect himself from the Warp without even knowing that he had ability was amazing.

... is a bit jarring. Particularly with the narrator's omniscient perspective telling us that a character is "powerful" and "amazing".
Audiences tend to not like being told what they should think about a character, so it's a good idea to be a lot more low-key in how you try to get the idea that something is exceptional - if you need to do it at all.
In theory, it would probably be done better by putting it to sound more like thoughts than narration or perhaps breaking it off into another conversation*.

*Imagine him talking with one of his other agents later:
"He tells me he knew nothing of his abilities before the attack. But if he has the power to hold back Daemons on instinct alone..."
"... inconceivable. Daemonology is a discipline that takes years to train."
"Ah, but I believe him. He may have all the more potential than we first thought."

[Cyanide]

Thanks so much for the critique Marco!  This is really the first piece of fiction that I've written, so it's going to be a little rough around the edges!  I really appreciate the tips you relating to both story line and writing style.  I'm going to work on stats for Ezra now, and then come back to re-write the story, keeping your comments in mind! 

What you have said about the writing style makes perfect sense to me!  If you think about a movie, there is usually not a narrator that explains things, characters must express their feeling and their thoughts outwardly for the viewer to know about them.  I'll try and approach my dialogue more like a film script!

[Dwi]

Not to bad so far. What in the way of Ezra's powers in game? From my skim I haven't seen any mention beyond a ward. Perhaps in the next segment?