First ever warband: Adepta Sororitas (kinda)

[Koval]

I'm inclined to leave it as a single order, perhaps split into two convents. One with a military bent and the other more of an Order Pronatus style , however this would make classifying the Order of the Martyr's Sword an interesting prospect.

I'm guessing Adlan's solution would be a pretty cool one here.

I tend to exaggerate and write from a character viewpoint so this leads to some confusion. Just because this is Adrasteia's masterpiece doesn't mean it's anything more than the mediocre research of a bookish battle sister! May need to clarify this but it will lose a bit of the character's eye view feel if I make it too clinical.

Well, she may still consider it to be a masterpiece even if it comes back from the Adeptus Examinorum with a C+ on it. It might help if you made it clearer that it's all her own inflated opinion.

I'm a bit lax on my imperial geography (spaceography?) but a sub-sector sounds about right.

This way, you could scale it up to something like seven or eight systems -- there's no real set size to a subsector, so as long as it sounds manageable it should be okay.

I'll have to increase the grandeur of the crusade somewhat, but at the same time I want to avoid making it too big. I'll find a compromise.

Uh, throw in some Space Marines and a few more Guard units. That usually works.

I think I'll change the name of the planet so it's location can be less obviously deduced from it's name.

Good call. These days, I'm starting to name systems one thing, and the planets in that system will then be named something completely unrelated. For example, over on the Carthax wiki, I have a planet called Canderous Prime (yes, I played KOTOR to death as well), but the system name is Kalcha which isn't all that obvious a connection. Just throw in any old name.

I feel that perhaps I've understated her visions, but at the same time I was attempting to stop myself from writing reams of unneeded fluff that no-one would read Still, far from being easy the visions and sendings are only able to convince her of these things through radically influencing her mind over a period of time. Prising her psyche apart by exploiting the cracks in her 'armour of faith'

We can get an idea of both sides depending on how you write Adrasteia's interaction with her Sisters, and later Amset's appraisal of the situation. She might think it's a series of signs and portents from the Emperor, but Amset might conclude that "no Sister could have done this" and suspect some serious foul play.

There's got to be more to it than "there are heretics here". You've told us there are heretics everywhere on this planet. And why just one squad?

As a less established character at this point I'm unsure of Amset's motivations, though I have this feeling that he's less honest than he appears. Any suggestions regarding Amset are very welcome

That's generally the point with Inquisitors. It could be that the psykers on his staff sensed something evil in that place which would grow in potency unless stopped in its nascent state. Which could itself lead into Adrasteia going loco.

In an attempt to be concise I have an annoying tendency to downplay combat. Perhaps a couple more sentences with some appropriate adjectives will give more of a sense of struggle.

Well, you just need to outline how much of a fight these guys put up for Adrasteia. Perhaps she might stop and think "hang on, the Inquisitor said there'd be something dangerous here"

I always seem to either understate or exaggerate! In my head what I've rather foolishly referred to as a 'den' is an extensive warren of tunnels, rooms and connected buildings. Somewhere among this maze I don't think it would be altogether difficult to hide a small shrine in a corner no-one ever visits.

It wouldn't be especially ornate, then. A giant Aquila propping up a book is a bit obvious. Some Imperial markings cut into the surface of an otherwise unadorned lectern might be more appropriate. Depending on how oblivious the heretics are, they might not take any notice of a lectern slowly being defaced over time; on the other hand, it might be the first thing Adrasteia sees (child of the Creed and all that)

I was unaware of my following of newbie tradition how does Eirik Demetris sound?

Better, see above

Suddenly, Eirik undergoes a decade of aging before our eyes and becomes a young man! Done

Better. He sounds more plausible a character if he's about fourteen or fifteen, as he's not a small child any more by that point.

Not sure how to make a book actively distract her short of making it sparkle and declare in confidential and slightly smug tones "I'm magic I am!"

If the book's got a sentient intelligence living in it, it could be casting its own glamour-charm on itself so that Adrasteia suddenly takes notice.

Yeah that was a reference to something in the first draft that I since edited out, namely about her setting out to resurrect a saint. Leaving this hovering unconnected in mid-literary-air. Not sure whether to edit this out or edit the other bit back in somewhere uptext

Or she could suddenly be having ideas. What started as an idle musing might become all too tangible.

Faith is sort of based on lack of evidence, and Adrasteia isn't short on faith! Sightly broken faith admittedly, but faith nonetheless.

I still think her squad's going to need a little more convincing than "The Emperor/Tzeentch/Imsety said so".

I think a steadily escalating argument that erupts into violence can be assumed, and there's enough text here already without me going into dialogues.

I'm not asking you to write loads of dialogue -- it wouldn't fit with the narrative -- but see above for "one Sister's heard enough and decided to open fire".

Leaving it vague lets me put her squad at exactly the right amount for her to almost defeat, without getting into any arguments with someone about whether the number I choose is feasible.

She's got this bloomin' great tome of sorcery that, for whatever reason, wants her. I imagine that if she's armed sufficiently well -- assuming a power sword, abandoned later? -- then between her being a better fighter than her Sisters, and the book working its magic, anything within single figures should be feasible depending on how desperate she is and/or how green the rest of them are.

Glossing over combat to avoid filling pages with fluff. Of course if you'd read a (badly written) novel about my character then I could write it for you

Injury stuff mentioned separately

She does that in a very generous move to deliberately allow herself to be killed and help me move the story along, because I'd written myself into a corner

Maybe she just didn't have a helmet in the first place?

Two reasons for the whole 'six year old killing a battle sister' debacle: Aforementioned cornering, and to convince Adrasteia that as well as sparing his life keeping him around would be worthwhile. I'll admit that this whole sequence of events is the weakest link in the fluff but my poor writing skills are showing their limits I'm afraid.

See Marco's solution -- Eirik could end up proving enough of a distraction for the Sister that Adrasteia thinks "he's useful".

I think I'll change it to a base set up on the world, less traveling involved.

Works well enough -- the Imperium does tend to like their prefabricated fortifications, after all.

Possibly change it to a direct announcement by Amset rather than through the Canoness. He's less likely to care about the Order's reputation and as I mentioned above may have an ulterior motive.

If following my above suggestion, maybe Amset is the one trying to bluster his way through having egg on his face

Damn your rational mind! You are of course correct, but I don't really see a solution. Either she's fighting injured here or she emerges from her previous trials relatively unscathed, either of which is fairly implausible.

Maybe Amset's delayed either his excursion, his return, or both.

Again, dual implausibility. Either she has her gear or she escapes without the use of armour or weapons.

She might've salvaged what she had time to pick up. It's not impossible that she's fully armoured, and Amset blasting her is the first anyone's heard of her going bad.

He's been lurking in the shadows, where all the stuff I don't write about is

Just say something like "taking Eirik with her, ..."

Or not so powerful seeing as it only seems to be capable of performing this feat once.

"Once is enough"?

Eirik has become a part machine, part chemically preserved sentient zombie (in the name of the Emperor) so aging is less of a problem.

Sounds like a daemonhost if I'm honest, although I'd have to see Eirik's background to see the circumstances.

Oh of course, this is all evil chaos trickery. I understand that fully, and that was certainly my intention. I simply wrote the fluff from Adrasteia's deluded point of view. As evidenced by the 'what she perceives as' disclaimer I snuck in there. Evander's fluff will definitely have a thing or two to say regarding her 'holy' powers

Well in that case I'll have to see what Evander's fluff tells us. I just didn't initially feel it was explicitly "how she sees it"; this is now well on its way to being fixed.