The List

[Jarrik32]

The first time I saw the reams of parchment sealed next to the mess hall door (With a purity seal no less!) I thought Devis was joking, while admittedly inquisitors aren't exactly known for their sense of humour (Theirs a reason they are known as the Emperors pet psychopaths) it was still a possibility. Or that it was a prank pulled by a bored NCO on one of the the ratings. It was only after I spent three weeks in the brig that I took the "auxiliary rules and regulations" seriously, even then I couldn't believe that my team-mates felt it was necessary.

I wasn't that bad was I?

The List.
A.K.A. 243 things Jarrik is no longer allowed to do while in service of the Emperors most holy Inquisition.

1. I am not allowed to threaten annoying civilians with psychic powers
2a. Not allowed to make fun of the Hawk Lords armour patterns
2b. Or the colours schemes of ANY space marine chapter loyal or not.
2c. Or that of any armed force no matter how garish it may or may not be.
3. I cannot claim War wounds bonuses for self-inflicted injuries.
4a. Is no longer allowed to utilise any form of explosive.
4b. In addition to the above, Sgt. Jarrik is not allowed to authorise the use of explosives, any orders must be verified by the fireteam corporal (or a senior officer)
5. The servitor did not start it.
6. The following actions are not appropriate uses of the relevant equipment.
a. Utilising numerous pillows to approximate the the silhouette of an Ork
b. A Las-torch to weld several combat knives together to form a 'Big Choppa.'
c. The use of six cans of green paint to grant oneself the skin tone of an ork.
7. Is not allowed to scream WAAAAAAGH! while on duty.
8. Breaking into the juve barracks at 23 hundred hours is not appropriate use of infiltration training.
9. Because it was funny is not an excuse.
10. As the earlier four additions to the list have not had the desired effect, it will be spelled out here
- Any further attempt to terrorise the juves (or anyone else) by breaking into their barracks (or any other place of residence) at night dressed as an Ork spouting war cries. Will result in Sgt. Jarrik cleaning the hulls of every Chimera APC. in the regiment with a toothbrush, all 821 square meters of it.
11. I am not allowed to join the Blood pact
12. Contrary to popular belief shooting someone with a lasgun WILL injure them, therefore it is not a useful tool to decide who should be senior officer.
13. Is no longer allowed to poke anything with a stick no matter how long the stick is.
14a. I do not have psychic powers. This is in conjunction with rule 1.
14b. Attempts to prove said powers may result in being shipped off in a Black Ship.
15a. May not requisition a firearm for a soldier under his command unless he possess both the training to use it and plausible deniability.
16a. "Because I got hit in the chest with a big choppa thrown by an Ork 57 metres away" is not a legitimate reason to drop the regimental flag.
16b. Having been supplied with six eyewitness accounts, gun cam footage, a medical report and a quartermasters report detailing damaged equipment (of note one Punctured Carapace chestplate) the above excuse is reluctantly accepted as legitimate.
32. A flamer is not an appropriate tool for toasting marshmallows
32a. Neither is a melta
32b. Or any form of plasma weaponry...
32c. Or any form of weaponry. ANY.
41. Again, all use of paint by Sgt. Jarrik must be authorised by an officer with a minimum rank of Lord Admiral.
65. The emperor is not allowed to countermand the orders of a superior officer.
67. Must not attempt to antagonise a stormtrooper
69. My statue of the emperor cannot take responsibility for my actions
69a. Neither can it take command of my fireteam.
94. I am not authorised to initiate a Crusade into the eye of terror.
95. Exterminatus is not funny.
96. While it is an admirable idea, I am not allowed to convert Chaos cultists.
96a. Or aliens.
101. The appropriate response to the disintegration of a superior officer is not to giggle inanely.