I released Kash, and asks now we are going to go to your barracks and get your gear and pick up some equipment. Turns around and starts to walk away. Kash relizing controlle of his life was slipping through his fingers he picked up a rock and threw it at my head. I did not even have to turn and my eagle shot it out of the sky. I stopped in my tracks and sayed in a voice just loud enough for him to hear, "If you try and kill me again you will regret it."
I released Kash.
"Now where are we going to," he asked.
"We go to your barracks and get your gear. Pick up some equipment too."
Kash turned around and started to walk away. Realizing that control of his life was slipping through his fingers, he picked up a rock and a threw it at my head. I did not even have to turn as my eagle shot it out of the sky. I stopped in my tracks.
"If you try to kill me again, you will regret it," I growled in a voice just loud enough for him to hear.
Use inverted commas to indicate speech. Always start a new line for a piece of dialogue and always start a new line when the speaker changes. It will make it easier to follow the dialogue. Don't mix it up with narrative and don't mix up different speakers.
There's also a change in tense again. From I released (past tense) to asks (present tense). I'd advise against changing tense at all, let alone within a sentence.
Third point, proofread! If you try and kill me again... WAIT?! WHAT? If Kash tries and kills Kain again, Kain will be dead twice over. Now, if Kash tries again to kill Kain, that Kash would probably regret, if he lived long enough to do so.
Kash just stood and stares at me, Yes sir. Starts following me my commander will not be happy. I don't care if you leaving will be the end of your entire platoon! What you will be doing for me will save worlds, that will raise regiments. So where is your barracks and equipment?
Kash just stood and stared at me.
"Yes sir," he said and started following me, "my commander will not be happy."
"I don't care if you leaving will be the end of your entire platoon," I snapped. "What you will be doing for me will save worlds. Worlds that will raise regiments. So where are your barracks and your equipment?
Again... the tense changes within a sentence. Not good.
Remember inverted commas, they are your friend.
Correct me if I am wrong, but barracks = plural, equipment = singular, correct? Either way, I would use "are" instead of "is" here.
Um.....That way. To which he points in the opposie direction for which I was going. Oh........ops turns around and follows Kash to his barracks.
"Um... that way." He pointed in the opposite direction of where I was going.
"Oh... oops," I muttered, turned around and followed Kash to his barracks.
When we arrive I tell Kash to go grab his gear, and then continue to go to his commanding officer. I barge into his office, hello sir! The commander was a pudgy man who from the looks of it had never left his office, How dare you enter my O..... Oh and inquisitor to which he stands up and salutes. Um which man sir?
When we arrived, I told Kash to go grab his gear. Then I went to his commanding officer. I barged into his office.
"Hello sir!"
The commander was a pudgy man who, from the looks of it, had never left his office.
"How dare you enter my o-... oh, an Inquisitor," he started, then stood up and saluted.
Here the tense has changed from past to present. I highly recommend you pick one and stick with it for the whole story. Don't change it as you go along.
There's also an oddity. Kain has not told the officer what he wants, actually he hasn't said anything other than "hello sir", but the officer is already asking which man? Doesn't seem to make sense. Of course the reader knows what Kain wants, but the officer doesn't, at least until Kain tells him. Right?
I walk over to a window and points out the man in the barracks grabbing his gear, I want Kash. The officer looks shocked then angered! Of all the men you could have choosen, You choose this boy! What? Do you not like my selection sir?
I walked over to a window and pointed out the man in the barracks grabbing his gear. I told the officer I want Kash. The officer looked shocked at first, then angered.
"Of all the men you could have chose, you choose this boy!"
"What," I asked, "do you not like my selection?"
Don't mix narrative and speech. Inverted commas, inverted commas my good man. Clearly separate different speakers. Start a new line for each change of who's speaking.
I don't think a full inquisitor would bother to call a Guard officer sir, rather the other way around.
No sir! every man in this unit are better fighters then Kash! He is lazy and dosn't care! Hm intresting thank you for your oppinion but from what I have seen he is a brillian man and a fighter that there are few who equals them. He might not be straight forward but he will get the job done. Starts to walk out and rembers something else. Oh yes one last thing sir. Your unit has valkerys correct?
"No sir! All men in this unit are fighters than Kash! He is lazy and doesn't care!"
"Hmm... interesting. Thank you for your opinion, but from what I have seen he is a brilliant man and fighter. There are few who equal him. He might not be straightforward, but he will get the job done."
I started to walk out but remembered something else.
"Oh yes, one last thing. Your unit has valkyries, correct?"
Inverted you-know-whats!
More importantly, here's classic case of what Koval was talking about. Show, don't tell! So far, we've seen no evidence that Kash is either a brilliant man or a brilliant fighter. Still, Kain somehow thinks so. Yes, you might know that Kash is a brilliant man and fighter, but you have not shown the reader, but rather you just have Kain tell it. In fact, you have showed us that Kash failed in his attempt to rob Kain, then tried to kill him by throwing a stone at his head and failed. As far as what we've seen out of him, I'd hardly rate him as a person or fighter with few peers.
And here, the focus changes. Initially you were writing the story in first person, with Kain as the narrator. Now, you've switched to third person, with an outside narrator, telling us Kain starts to walk and do this and that.
Um yes sir we have 9. Why do you ask? Well I am in need of a valkery of course I am requistioning one of yours thank you for your help sir. Walks out of the office and walks over to Kash. Ready to go? Yes sir! Follows me as I walk out to the valkery bay and get the keys for number 7. Always had a thing for that number. Gets in pilot seat and starts to get ready for take off. Kash jumps in after me. To which I take off and fly to cruiser in orbit to find out where it is going.
"Um, yes sir, we have nine. Why do you ask?"
"Well because I am in need a valkyrie of course. I am requisitioning one of yours, thank you for your help."
I walked out of the office and over to Kash. I asked him if he was ready to go.
"Yes sir," he exclaimed, then followed me as I walked out to the valkyrie bay. I took valkyrie number seven. I always had a thing for that number. I got in the pilot´s seat and started to get ready for takeoff. Kash jumped in after me. I took and flew to a cruiser in orbit. I wanted to find out where it was going.
Again, you change between Kain as the narrator and an outside narrator. Don't do that.
Also, write out numbers. As in "seven", not "7". It reads better.
Plotwise, this paragraph reads a bit like "I do stuff because I am an inquisitor and just because I damn well can". A valkyrie is probably worth a heck of a lot. It's not something you just borrow like that. If Kain wanted to know where a certain cruiser was headed, why didn't he just ask someone at the spaceport or check with the appropriate authorities?
