Author Topic: My First OOC  (Read 4655 times)

Offline anglerfish3

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My First OOC
« on: February 29, 2012, 02:06:26 AM »
So this is my first Rp on this forum and I would like to see what all of you think for my first inquisitor rp and if you had any ideas for me to make it better?

Offline Koval

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Re: My First OOC
« Reply #1 on: February 29, 2012, 06:16:28 AM »
You seem to be doing an awful lot of telling rather than showing -- it's just Kain talking to the reader and telling us what happened. You had a real opportunity to get some nice crunchy action scenes going here, and show us what happened, but instead the reader becomes rather detached from what's going on.

What I would do is take a look at how other people around here do it. Sargoth's a brilliant writer who's put a lot of stuff up on the board. I'd also strongly recommend checking out Marco's work. See if you can alter that scene and make it a bit more fun to read, more exciting. More action. We have a robbery in progress and we're seeing events unfold in a very passive "this happened, then this happened" sort of manner.

May add to this when I get in from work.

Offline Dolnikan

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Re: My First OOC
« Reply #2 on: February 29, 2012, 10:50:11 AM »
It might help if you cut it up a bit, it is something I had to learn as well. In my experience the first person can be hard to write from. Often you end up with a bit of a then, and then, and then kind of story.

You might want to add some more description in between, like what does the guardsman look like, how are the surrounding. That sort of thing.
Circles of the wise My attempt at writing something, please comment on it if you have any advise.

Offline anglerfish3

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Re: My First OOC
« Reply #3 on: February 29, 2012, 11:32:48 AM »
thanks guys I tryed to fix it...tell me what you guys think?
« Last Edit: February 29, 2012, 09:06:32 PM by anglerfish3 »

Offline Dolnikan

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Re: My First OOC
« Reply #4 on: February 29, 2012, 09:34:12 PM »
It is clearly better now, I liked the last bit about being an inquisitor, and seeing the tatoos.

One improvement that could be made is cutting it up in paragraphs. That gives the reader some rest while reading it. Especially from a screen a block of text can easily become confusing.
Circles of the wise My attempt at writing something, please comment on it if you have any advise.

Offline anglerfish3

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Re: My First OOC
« Reply #5 on: February 29, 2012, 11:01:11 PM »
thanks for the help guys and I will try that from now on wasnt shure when to break it up.

Offline Dolnikan

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Re: My First OOC
« Reply #6 on: March 01, 2012, 02:52:07 PM »
thanks for the help guys and I will try that from now on wasnt shure when to break it up.

It is something that troubled me for a while as well, it depends a bit on preferences. Putting lines in between conversations tends to help a lot to make clearer who is speaking and otherwise make a new paragraph whenever something new happens. For example?(Sorry for stealing)

Walking through the streets of the planet Arcadia with my Psyber-Eagle flying over head, when all of the sudden a man stumbled into me appearing to be drunk. His apperence would have been frighting had I been someone else but as it was all the spider tattoos, marking him as an elite guardsmen in the imperial guard regiment here. He was not drunk either he was a very good fake and almost got away with my money.

I decided following him would only make a scene so I let him get away, but had my Psyber-Eagle follow him. As I watched through my mind I saw the man turn the corner and as soon as he was around the corner he started sprinting. I followed him with my Eagle and saw him go to an alley way and get ready to sleep because it was almost night.

I blinked my eyes and brought up my night vision optics and followed the mans path to the alley. He was lightly asleep and ready to bolt at the slightest disturbence, I stood in the entrance of the alley and had my Eagle fly down close to him and land. As soon has it landed he stood up and was running away when I channeled my psychic ability through My eagle and froze him where he stood.

Slowley I walked up and stood infront of the man and looked at him up and down several times. The man snarled and asked what I wanted and spit on my boots. Grabbing his throat and slammed him against the wall and showed him my Inquisitor seal. I am an Inquisitor, now here is the deal not only did you make the mistake of stealing my money, but you should me your abilities and I intend to use them. I herby requistion you into my retinue, do you have any questions?

The man replied what is your name inquisitor?

My name Is Kain and yours is Kash. Correct?

Kain stutters h how d did y you k know t that? Im an inquisitor. I know everything that and I saw it on one of your tattoos.
Circles of the wise My attempt at writing something, please comment on it if you have any advise.

Offline anglerfish3

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Re: My First OOC
« Reply #7 on: March 01, 2012, 03:16:15 PM »
Would you mind if I steel that? and fix mine with it? then I can just =do better on the rest?

Offline Dolnikan

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Re: My First OOC
« Reply #8 on: March 01, 2012, 04:16:12 PM »
Of course, it is your own text after all.
Circles of the wise My attempt at writing something, please comment on it if you have any advise.

Offline anglerfish3

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Re: My First OOC
« Reply #9 on: March 01, 2012, 05:19:46 PM »
Thank you

Offline Wulf

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Re: My First OOC
« Reply #10 on: March 02, 2012, 11:43:45 PM »
I gave this a quick rundown. First, there's the paragraph copy-pasted from the IC thread. Then, I've made an alternate paragraph in red and then a few notes in green. See if you like them. Just remember three things.
1) These represent my opinions only. They are not set-in-stone truths.
2) I am not a native english speaker. So take what I say with an appropriate amount of salt. Especially when it comes to SPAG.
3) I don't want to make you to write like I do. Take whatever looks good or helpful to you and apply it to your writing. Disregard the rest.

One final note. I must respectfully disagree with Koval. Not about "show, don't tell". That's absolutely correct. But, you don't always need crunchy action scenes and up-close-and-personal, snot-and-blood, adrenaline-filled excitement. Your writing style was a bit detached and passive, but for that reason, it reminded me of Film Noir. It sort of set the mood for the story and I found it enjoyable. It may not be what you aimed for, but that's what I got out of it.

But enough rambling, let's get started...

********************************************

Walking through the streets of the planet Arcadia with my Psyber-Eagle flying over head, when all of the sudden a man stumbled into me appearing to be drunk. His apperence would have been frighting had I been someone else but as it was all the spider tattoos, marking him as an elite guardsmen in the imperial guard regiment here. He was not drunk either he was a very good fake and almost got away with my money.

As I was walking through the streets of Arcadia with my psyber-eagle flying overhead, all of the sudden a man stumbled into me. He appeared to be drunk. His appearance would have been frightening, had I been someone else. As it was all the spider tattoos marked him out as an elite guardsman in the Imperial Guard regiment here. He was not drunk either. He was a very good fake and almost got away with my money.

The first sentence doesn't feel quite right. I think it starts out in passive, then changes. I think the first part lacks a subject? The second sentence is confusing. I think marked instead marking would go better here. It is also an example of what I mean by a run-on sentence. I think that the third sentence could be split into two as well. I'm not up to speed on capitalizations in 40K, so someone please correct me if needed, ok?

I decided following him would only make a scene so I let him get away, but had my Psyber-Eagle follow him. As I watched through my mind I saw the man turn the corner and as soon as he was around the corner he started sprinting. I followed him with my Eagle and saw him go to an alley way and get ready to sleep because it was almost night.

I decided following him would only make a scene so I let him get away, but had my psyber-eagle follow him. As I watched through my mind I saw the man turn the corner. As soon as he was out of my sight he started sprinting. I followed him with my eagle and saw him go to an alleyway and get ready to sleep because it was almost night.

Try to avoid repetition. ...turn the corner and as he was around the corner... See what I mean? Again, the second and third sentences are a bit long.

I blinked my eyes and brought up my night vision optics and followed the mans path to the alley. He was lightly asleep and ready to bolt at the slightest disturbence, I stood in the entrance of the alley and had my Eagle fly down close to him and land. As soon has it landed he stood up and was running away when I channeled my psychic ability through My eagle and froze him where he stood.

I blinked my eyes and brought up my night vision optics. I followed the man´s path to the alley. He was lightly asleep and ready to bolt at the slightest disturbance, so I stood in the entrance of the alley and had my eagle fly close to him and land. As soon as it landed he stood up and ran away. I channeled my psychic ability through my eagle and froze him where he stood.

Remember the aposthrope in man´s. For some reason the final sentence feels a bit wonky as well. Is there a change in tense from "stood up" to "was running away"?

Slowley I walked up and stood infront of the man and looked at him up and down several times. The man snarled and asked what I wanted and spit on my boots. Grabbing his throat and slammed him against the wall and showed him my Inquisitor seal. I am an Inquisitor, now here is the deal not only did you make the mistake of stealing my money, but you should me your abilities and I intend to use them. I herby requistion you into my retinue, do you have any questions?

I walked slowly up to him and stood in front of him. I looked him up and down several times. He snarled and asked what I wanted. He even spat on my boots. I grabbed him by the throat and slammed him against the wall.

"I am an Inquisitor," I snarled, showing him my Inquisitorial seal, "now here's the deal. Not only did you make the mistake of stealing my money, but you also showed me your abilities. I intend to use them. I hereby requisition you into my retinue. Do you have any questions?"


I would change the structure of the first sentence and split it in two. I'd split the second as well. The third sentence again changes from passive to active. I highly recommend using inverted commas for speech! Also, the fourth sentence tends to run on a little too long for my taste.

The man replied what is your name inquisitor?

"What is your name, Inquisitor," the man replied.

Inverted commas for speech.

My name Is Kain and yours is Kash. Correct?

"My name is Kain and your is Kash. Correct?"

Did I mention inverted commas already?

Kain stutters h how d did y you k know t that? Im an inquisitor. I know everything that and I saw it on one of your tattoos.

"H-... how did you k-... know t-... that," Kash stuttered.

"I am an Inquisitor. I know everything. And I saw it on one of your tattoos."


Again, inverted commas help separate dialogue from the story. I'd also use a hyphen for words that are cut short. Perhaps a pause is in order here as well?

***********************************************

Now for some plot-related questions.

1) Why is the elite guardsman out on the streets pick-pocketing? Is he no longer enlisted? If he is still enlisted, isn't he afraid of the consequences (after all, failing to salute properly can get you flogged, nevermind stealing). Why has he chosen this style of living? Why doesn't he do something else?

2) What is it about this guardsman that makes the inquisitor requisition a random person he just met (and who tried to steal his cred-stick or whatever currency he had) instead of requisitioning someone he has properly researched or even knows, even if by reputation? Or does he already know Kash and has only presented himself as a potential target just to meet up with Kash?

3) Criminals often target easy prey. Kash can't obviously know that Kain is an inquisitor and a psyker, but we see later that Kain is physically strong enough to slam Kash against a wall and apparently not afraid of Kash at all. What made Kash initially pick him out as a victim?

I think answering these questions would give us further insight into Kain and Kash.

EDIT: Typo. Oops. And a few other errors. There, should be fixed. Hopefully. :)
« Last Edit: March 03, 2012, 12:13:46 AM by Wulf »

Offline anglerfish3

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Re: My First OOC
« Reply #11 on: March 03, 2012, 01:46:14 AM »
I really appreciate all the advice and as to all the grammer mistakes up to this point in life i have never cared about my grammer ((I am 16))

and for most of the paragraphs the did not feel right mabye thats you mabye thats my style im not shure as to one paragraph for the man running away i wasnt shure about how to phrase that.

For the story questions
1. I wasnt thinking about that, and thinking about it I will probly add that to a later part of the story so he can get familiar with the inquisitor more or a fellow member of the inquistion.

2.none of the above he has never met Kash the only reseon is because he is an elite guarsmen and because of his abbility to act and pic pocket because he almost fooled the inquisitor and got away as well as he read the mans mind.

3.for 3 Kash is a smart person and crimanal and knows alot of people put up a fake strong front so he went after him. (Can't say more don't want to ruin the rest the story.)

Thanks for everything.

Offline Wulf

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Re: My First OOC
« Reply #12 on: March 03, 2012, 08:33:16 PM »
I released Kash, and asks now we are going to go to your barracks and get your gear and pick up some equipment. Turns around and starts to walk away. Kash relizing controlle of his life was slipping through his fingers he picked up a rock and threw it at my head. I did not even have to turn and my eagle shot it out of the sky. I stopped in my tracks and sayed in a voice just loud enough for him to hear, "If you try and kill me again you will regret it."

I released Kash.

"Now where are we going to," he asked.

"We go to your barracks and get your gear. Pick up some equipment too."

Kash turned around and started to walk away. Realizing that control of his life was slipping through his fingers, he picked up a rock and a threw it at my head. I did not even have to turn as my eagle shot it out of the sky. I stopped in my tracks.

"If you try to kill me again, you will regret it," I growled in a voice just loud enough for him to hear.


Use inverted commas to indicate speech. Always start a new line for a piece of dialogue and always start a new line when the speaker changes. It will make it easier to follow the dialogue. Don't mix it up with narrative and don't mix up different speakers.

There's also a change in tense again. From I released (past tense) to asks (present tense). I'd advise against changing tense at all, let alone within a sentence.

Third point, proofread! If you try and kill me again... WAIT?! WHAT? If Kash tries and kills Kain again, Kain will be dead twice over. Now, if Kash tries again to kill Kain, that Kash would probably regret, if he lived long enough to do so.


Kash just stood and stares at me, Yes sir. Starts following me my commander will not be happy. I don't care if you leaving will be the end of your entire platoon! What you will be doing for me will save worlds, that will raise regiments. So where is your barracks and equipment?

Kash just stood and stared at me.

"Yes sir," he said and started following me, "my commander will not be happy."

"I don't care if you leaving will be the end of your entire platoon," I snapped. "What you will be doing for me will save worlds. Worlds that will raise regiments. So where are your barracks and your equipment?


Again... the tense changes within a sentence. Not good.

Remember inverted commas, they are your friend.

Correct me if I am wrong, but barracks = plural, equipment = singular, correct? Either way, I would use "are" instead of "is" here.


Um.....That way. To which he points in the opposie direction for which I was going. Oh........ops turns around and follows Kash to his barracks.

"Um... that way." He pointed in the opposite direction of where I was going.

"Oh... oops," I muttered, turned around and followed Kash to his barracks.


When we arrive I tell Kash to go grab his gear, and then continue to go to his commanding officer. I barge into his office, hello sir! The commander was a pudgy man who from the looks of it had never left his office, How dare you enter my O..... Oh and inquisitor to which he stands up and salutes. Um which man sir?

When we arrived, I told Kash to go grab his gear. Then I went to his commanding officer. I barged into his office.

"Hello sir!"

The commander was a pudgy man who, from the looks of it, had never left his office.

"How dare you enter my o-... oh, an Inquisitor," he started, then stood up and saluted.


Here the tense has changed from past to present. I highly recommend you pick one and stick with it for the whole story. Don't change it as you go along.

There's also an oddity. Kain has not told the officer what he wants, actually he hasn't said anything other than "hello sir", but the officer is already asking which man? Doesn't seem to make sense. Of course the reader knows what Kain wants, but the officer doesn't, at least until Kain tells him. Right?


I walk over to a window and points out the man in the barracks grabbing his gear, I want Kash. The officer looks shocked then angered! Of all the men you could have choosen, You choose this boy! What? Do you not like my selection sir?

I walked over to a window and pointed out the man in the barracks grabbing his gear. I told the officer I want Kash. The officer looked shocked at first, then angered.

"Of all the men you could have chose, you choose this boy!"

"What," I asked, "do you not like my selection?"


Don't mix narrative and speech. Inverted commas, inverted commas my good man. Clearly separate different speakers. Start a new line for each change of who's speaking.

I don't think a full inquisitor would bother to call a Guard officer sir, rather the other way around.


No sir! every man in this unit are better fighters then Kash! He is lazy and dosn't care!  Hm intresting thank you for your oppinion but from what I have seen he is a brillian man and a fighter that there are few who equals them. He might not be straight forward but he will get the job done. Starts to walk out and rembers something else. Oh yes one last thing sir. Your unit has valkerys correct?

"No sir! All men in this unit are fighters than Kash! He is lazy and doesn't care!"

"Hmm... interesting. Thank you for your opinion, but from what I have seen he is a brilliant man and fighter. There are few who equal him. He might not be straightforward, but he will get the job done."

I started to walk out but remembered something else.

"Oh yes, one last thing. Your unit has valkyries, correct?"


Inverted you-know-whats!

More importantly, here's classic case of what Koval was talking about. Show, don't tell! So far, we've seen no evidence that Kash is either a brilliant man or a brilliant fighter. Still, Kain somehow thinks so. Yes, you might know that Kash is a brilliant man and fighter, but you have not shown the reader, but rather you just have Kain tell it. In fact, you have showed us that Kash failed in his attempt to rob Kain, then tried to kill him by throwing a stone at his head and failed. As far as what we've seen out of him, I'd hardly rate him as a person or fighter with few peers.

And here, the focus changes. Initially you were writing the story in first person, with Kain as the narrator. Now, you've switched to third person, with an outside narrator, telling us Kain starts to walk and do this and that.


Um yes sir we have 9. Why do you ask?  Well I am in need of a valkery of course I am requistioning one of yours thank you for your help sir. Walks out of the office and walks over to Kash. Ready to go?  Yes sir! Follows me as I walk out to the valkery bay and get the keys for number 7. Always had a thing for that number. Gets in pilot seat and starts to get ready for take off. Kash jumps in after me. To which I take off and fly to cruiser in orbit to find out where it is going.

"Um, yes sir, we have nine. Why do you ask?"

"Well because I am in need a valkyrie of course. I am requisitioning one of yours, thank you for your help."

I walked out of the office and over to Kash. I asked him if he was ready to go.

"Yes sir," he exclaimed, then followed me as I walked out to the valkyrie bay. I took valkyrie number seven. I always had a thing for that number. I got in the pilot´s seat and started to get ready for takeoff. Kash jumped in after me. I took and flew to a cruiser in orbit. I wanted to find out where it was going.


Again, you change between Kain as the narrator and an outside narrator. Don't do that.

Also, write out numbers. As in "seven", not "7". It reads better.

Plotwise, this paragraph reads a bit like "I do stuff because I am an inquisitor and just because I damn well can". A valkyrie is probably worth a heck of a lot. It's not something you just borrow like that. If Kain wanted to know where a certain cruiser was headed, why didn't he just ask someone at the spaceport or check with the appropriate authorities?
« Last Edit: March 03, 2012, 08:47:12 PM by Wulf »

Offline anglerfish3

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Re: My First OOC
« Reply #13 on: March 04, 2012, 02:50:44 AM »
ok thank you again I will try to get better for future posts as to the inqisitor requistioning the valkery he did it for several reasons and this post had many other reasons
1. It was to officialy put Kash in his retinue and got his gear

2. It gave him a valkery as a new inquisitor he had nothing but his psyber eagle so he needed more things

3.He went to the ship to find out where it was going and if it was somewhere he wanted then he would ride in the ship if not he was going to requistion the ship to a planet he wanted to go to.

But I would like to thanks for all the input and everything you are doing

Offline Dolnikan

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Re: My First OOC
« Reply #14 on: March 04, 2012, 10:50:08 AM »
It is clear that you are improving quickly. Your inquisitor seems to me to be the type that draws a bit of attention to himself, that could lead into trouble later on, which could a be way to introduce his first enemies. They could easily assume that the inquisitor was there for them and they try to assassinate him or something like that.
Circles of the wise My attempt at writing something, please comment on it if you have any advise.