My character stats...

[seaglen]

First time posting my character's stats and profiles on here. All background for these characters can be found here: http://www.the-conclave.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=2189.0
Feedback appreciated.

Inquisitor Drachtenburg.
WS   BS   S    T     I   Wp   Sg   Nv   Ld
60    60  57  57  70  70   68   65   75

Drachtenburg is left-handed.
Equipment: Master crafted shotgun, power sword, Carapace armour on chest, abdomen and groin.
Flack armour on arms and legs, Bionic eye with laser sight 6 standard shotgun rounds, 4 "Hunter" shotgun rounds.

Abilities: Leader. Nerves of Steel. Telepathy. Enforce Will.

Hunter shotgun ammunition:                                                                                                                                      A long-range alternative to standard shotgun ammunition. Unlike standard shotgun shells, these cartridges contain a gas ejected dense round that covers distance similar to a rifle. Designed to penetrate effectively, and tipped with adamantium, these can cause serious impacts to a target. Hunter ammunition has a range "F" and cause 2D6+4 damage.

Gavroche Strident.
WS   BS   S    T     I   Wp   Sg   Nv   Ld
41    58  51  53  64  56   60   70   58

Gavroche is ambidextrous.
Equipment: 2 revolvers, knife, Flack armour on arms, legs and groin, Heavy flack armour (4) on chest and abdomen. 24 revolver rounds.

Abilities: Ambidextrous. Deadeye shot. Gunfighter. Quickload.

Tech Adept Obra Larrius.
WS   BS   S    T     I   Wp   Sg   Nv   Ld
53    54  44  60  65  62   75   59   62

Larrius is right handed.
Equipment: Stubber with shot select, Breacher claw, Heavy robes (3) on all locations except head and left arm. Mechadendrites. Advanced bionic eye with range finder. Re-breather. 10 Stubber rounds. 5 Arc-shot rounds.

Abilities: Rock Steady Aim. Scion of Mars
Scion of Mars:                                                                                                                                                                               The character has trained under the ochre sands of the red planet and as such has advanced knowledge of machinery. The character may attempt to manipulate devices such as enemy weapons, armour, coded doors etc. using the multitude of data fields, noospheric transmitters and electro-pulse communicators about his person. Upon passing a sagacity test the character may disable an item for one turn per 10% he passes the test by (this has no effect on mundane items such as swords, crossbows etc.). The character must be within 10 yards of the device to have an effect.

Arc-shot:                                                                                                                                                                                     These exotic rounds deal minimal damage, but produce a highly disruptive ionized arc discharge upon impact. Any electronic or energy-based items the target is carrying are disabled for D3 turns. Multiple impacts of Arc-shot in one turn are not cumulative. Arc-shot does D3+1 damage.


Please feel free to comment.

[Koval]

I have to admit, it would be much easier to have everything in one place, so that I know what I'm looking at and don't have to keep on jumping around and losing track of what's where.

With that in mind, I'll take a look at everything all at once for the characters here.

Inquisitor Lucius Drachtenburg is one of the older Inquisitors remaining on the Council of Nacius, a shadowy group of Ordo Xenos Inquisitors whose priorities lie not with the extermination, but the understanding, negotiating and control of the alien.

They're not the only ones. I'm a little put off by the clichéd "shadowy group" qualifier, which you don't really need.

The beliefs of this council are radical to say the least, and on several occasions since its formation 382 years ago there have been numerous attempts to silence the group by other members of the Inquisition.

Why so specific with the dates? Do you really need to tell us how long ago the group was founded? Could it not be older than the members think?

Needless to say, Drachtenburg has many enemies within the ranks of the Ordo Hereticus. He has maintained his views confidently, with a network of allied Inquisitors having kept the Council of Nacius active over the years. Originating from the Traith system, Drachtenburg has spent over two centuries in the service of the Ordo Xenos.

This stuff is okay.

An Explicator-Acolyte of the late Inquisitor Henkel, Drachtenburg learned of the Xenos rapidly. Henkel was far from kind to the approach of learning, and had Drachtenburg placed in situations ranging from dissecting live Tyranid Rippers to front-line tactical advisory for Deathwatch kill teams.

Err, depending on how long ago this was, they might not have known about many Tyranids -- for all the Imperium knew, Behemoth had been a one-off, and Kraken was too recent for Drachtenburg to have been an acolyte.

His experience and gathered knowledge of the Xenos species inhabiting the galaxy is beyond doubt one of the more extensive of his Ordo, and his reputation for being one of the leading experts on Eldar and Xenarch races has earned many to consult him on occasion.

Okay, I guess. I don't like the Xenarch bit, though, because we know naff-all about them ourselves.

Through the turning of the years, it has become apparent that Drachtenburg holds strong Recongregator beliefs. Maintaining that the Imperium is a stagnant and decaying husk of its former glory, Drachtenburg is under the belief that in order to endure, the Imperium needs to drastically change. He is more than happy to upset the order and routine the Imperium is accustomed to, providing opportunities for alteration.

Fine, although this is generic Recongregator fare so you might want to spend less time talking about his beliefs and more time exploring his methods.

Being both a member of the Conclave of Nacius

Wasn't it just a Council earlier?

and a staunch Recongregator has given Drachtenburg a long and almost inexhaustible list of individuals opposing his views and motives.

Again, looks fairly standard for a Recongregator. Expand?

Coming to blows on frequent occasions with Inquisitors of the Amalathian belief he has been branded a disturbance to the order and structure of the Imperium

Well, yes.

which he proudly does not deny.

Then he's an idiot if he's being "proud" about it.

Practically, Inquisitor Drachtenburg is a firm believer that the ends justify the means, and he has been known to conspire and negotiate with pro-xenos cults, outlaws, desperados and xenos entities. Unscrupulous and scheming, Drachtenburg also retains links to the more dogmatic organizations in order to scrutinize the Imperium and its populace. His pragmatic and disruptive methods have caused uproar in several systems and the chambers of Inquisitorial debate alike.

Expand?

However, despite all of this, it cannot be denied that he has had great effects on Imperial and xenos worlds alike.

In what way has he had "great effects"?

Gifted with a portion of psychic ability

This could've been mentioned earlier.

Drachtenburg has become untrusted by many of his peers

Conflicting a bit with him being a respected authority on Eldar and Xenarchs.

some claiming that he exploits his powers to gain influence.

Duh! He's a Recongregator.

Nevertheless, amongst his allies are many powerful and influential Inquisitors

The old "friends in high places" thing, eh?

especially those with positions on the mysterious council of Nacius.

You can eliminate the word "mysterious" here, or just reword this to read "especially those on the Council", which gets exactly the same point across with 47% less melodrama.

Inquisitor Drachtenburg.
WS   BS   S    T     I   Wp   Sg   Nv   Ld
60    60  57  57  70  70   68   65   75

Stats look boring. You've got ten digits in our numbering system, don't feel afraid to use them. His WS and BS seem a bit low if he's old and experienced.

Equipment: Master crafted shotgun, power sword, Carapace armour on chest, abdomen and groin.
Flack armour on arms and legs, Bionic eye with laser sight 6 standard shotgun rounds, 4 "Hunter" shotgun rounds.

Seems fair enough, although the single-shot shotgun is more quaint than practical for an Inquisitor -- consider upgrading to a pump-action type. I'd also be interested to know which iteration of the master-crafted rules you're using.

Abilities: Leader. Nerves of Steel. Telepathy. Enforce Will.

He's got a crappy Nv score but has Nerves of Steel? Get rid of NoS and just drive his Nv up by ten or fifteen points.

Hunter shotgun ammunition:                                                                                                                                      A long-range alternative to standard shotgun ammunition. Unlike standard shotgun shells, these cartridges contain a gas ejected dense round that covers distance similar to a rifle. Designed to penetrate effectively, and tipped with adamantium, these can cause serious impacts to a target. Hunter ammunition has a range "F" and cause 2D6+4 damage.

Not buying the "distance similar to a rifle" bit, and as for the Long Ranged Shotgun Shell bit, see this trope. Mechanically speaking, this shell is okay.

Gavroche Strident, mercenary:

The murky past of Gavroche Strident stems from the planet of Ladrinus Prime where he was born and raised in the slums and ghettos of one of the larger townscapes dotting the dry and arid surface of the planet.

This writing is overly purple -- can you try and tidy this up a bit, and strip out unneeded adjectives?

His life constantly under threat from members of gangs, mutants and other scum of society, Gavroche swiftly learnt the ways of the streets. Devilishly quick with a gun, though quicker on his feet, he soon learnt to wheedle his way out of sticky situations without a punch being thrown in his direction.

Fine.

Often displaying cockiness, a loose mouth and total disregard for Imperial law, trouble soon mounted for this sly individual. Upon accepting errands of increasing risk such as stimm running, xenos arms deals and protection rackets, he soon found himself out of his depth and many gang leaders had prices of varying wealth on his head. Keeping a low profile however is one of Gavroche's better skills, and before long his hunters would either give up the chase or wind up being found with a bullet in their heads.

This bit could probably be reined in a little, but is otherwise okay.

During several run-ins with the local Adeptus Arbites forces on Ladrinus, Gavroche headed off-world to make a name for himself.

You probably mean "following" rather than "during", as the timing is completely crooked otherwise.

Stowing away on starships, working as crew and gambling for passage saw him traverse the stars with relative ease.

Space travel isn't generally all that easy in the Imperium, but this is fine if he's not going all that far.

After a few years of working from world to world in the neighboring systems

See above.

Strident eventually crossed paths with Inquisitor Drachtenburg on the backwater planet of Ubrik, far from Imperial controlled space.

Uh, unless Ladrinus Prime was a frontier world in some far-flung sector, he'd have had to travel pretty far to end up "far from Imperial controlled space". Please rein this one in.

Months before, Strident was involved in black market deals with an unidentified rogue trader

Why is the Rogue Trader unidentified, and why are you jumping back and forth in your timeline? This could easily be expanded and slot in earlier.

and ended up needing sanctuary away from the prying eyes of Imperial authority. The Inquisitor ran into the desperate gunfighter in a seedy bar

How fortunate for him. Seems a bit contrived.

and they arranged a deal whereupon Gavroche would work exclusively for the aged Inquisitor in exchange for his immunity to the extensive prosecutions and jurisdictions of the Adeptus Arbites and other Imperial authorities mounted against him.

Seems like an awfully wordy way of saying "diplomatic immunity"

Having been in the Inquisitor's service for close to ten years, he counts himself as one of Drachtenburg's closest companions (although Drachtenburg would never agree to the term "companion").

Oh, but of course...

Knowing the Inquisitor better than most, Gavroche has used this to persistently aggravate and torment Drachtenburg to his wits end. However, his skill with a gun and ability to mingle with the riff-raff of society has kept him in the Inquisitor's favor.

Gunslinger scum are all over the place. You can't go to the lower districts of a hive without practically tripping over them. If Drachtenburg is as irritated by Gavroche's antics as you suggest, then there's got to be more than just these two redeeming features stopping Drachtenburg from just killing and replacing him with someone less annoying.

Providing swift firepower and a swift mind, Strident has (barely) preserved his value in Drachtenburg's eyes over the years.

See above.

Gavroche Strident.
WS   BS   S    T     I   Wp   Sg   Nv   Ld
41    58  51  53  64  56   60   70   58

Gavroche is ambidextrous.

For someone that's supposed to be really good wih guns, his BS could probably come up a little.

Equipment: 2 revolvers, knife, Flack armour on arms, legs and groin, Heavy flack armour (4) on chest and abdomen. 24 revolver rounds.

I assume this "heavy flak armour" is something Drachtenburg gave him? You've also described him as being agile, yet he's more heavily armoured than some of my military characters, so I'm not sure it really fits.

Abilities: Ambidextrous. Deadeye shot. Gunfighter. Quickload.

Seems fine although I honestly expected Dodge -- why not have that instead of either Quickload or Deadeye Shot?

Tech Adept Obra Larrius:

Stemming from the system of Lenore in the Segmentum Tempestus, Obra Larrius was initiated into the machine cult and subsequently taken to Mars for training.

Whooooooa. Why does Obra end up on Mars again? Is Lenore not good enough for him?

His early life was that of worship to the all-knowing Omnissiah and a complete devotion to the machine-god.

Seems okay.

Following years of learning and training on the red planet

See above, does it have to be Mars?

Larrius eventually aspired to the rank of Tech-Adept, and was gifted a small exploratory fleet.

Not unless he's a Magos Explorator. It's far more likely that he'd be stationed on board a ship and would have little say in how the ship is commanded.

Larrius commanded his vessel, the Fidae Logicum, to make way for his home system of Lenore.

Again, what's wrong with Lenore? There are going to be Mechanicus shrines on most worlds, and if Lenore is your own creation it could easily become a forge world or have a forge world in-system.

It was here that he began work in the orbital facility of Arbolis, a Mechanicus station near to a high-energy sun.

This bit is unclear. Is this Lenore's sun or a place he found on the way?

The station gladly accepted the Tech-Adept, and Larrius began work studying plasma engineering and thermic devices.

Fine.

Upon the request of the neighboring Sons of Deliverance space marine chapter, Larrius worked with Astartes equipment, and oversaw maintenance to the chapter's craft and arsenal.

His rank is a bit low for overseeing maintenance, although he could very easily perform the work the Chapter's Techmarines hadn't already seen to.

During the course of the years, Obra Larrius began to take an interest in xenos artifacts

Any particular reason?

and turned his gaze upon lost or abandoned planets. His obsessions with energy devices lead him to study artifacts such as Demmiurg ion technology, Tau plasma weaponry and even forms of Eldar power supplies.

Again, you'll want to expand this.

To this day

I never like seeing this.

Larrius and his exploratory fleet investigate xenos relics in the far-flung corners of Segmentum Tempestus, and all knowledge is diligently archived.

Again, his rank is a bit low unless he's since been promoted to Magos Explorator.

He works from his personal forge deep within the recesses of his ship, where hot ionized air crackles with scarcely contained energy fields. Attempting to master the art of unstable plasma energy and break the mysteries of energy technologies of other races drives Larrius forever onwards in his quest for knowledge. A logical, calculating and humorless being, Larrius has the great mind of a tech priest of Mars. His supreme lack of human emotion has given him respect amongst the Mechanicum, and apprehension amongst other humans.

This bit would be okay if he were a Magos. You might want to revise his background a bit in light of that.

Tech Adept Obra Larrius.
WS   BS   S    T     I   Wp   Sg   Nv   Ld
53    54  44  60  65  62   75   59   62

Larrius is right handed.

I would've expected a higher Sg if I'm honest. Stats are otherwise okay, a little understated but you've neglected to mention anything about combat.

Equipment: Stubber with shot select, Breacher claw, Heavy robes (3) on all locations except head and left arm. Mechadendrites. Advanced bionic eye with range finder. Re-breather. 10 Stubber rounds. 5 Arc-shot rounds.

Convention is that heavy robes are AV 2 -- why, I'm not sure, but there we go. I assume you're using an unmodified Delphan Gruss here, because that loadout looks very similar to what the Gruss model has. You also need more bionics.

Abilities: Rock Steady Aim. Scion of Mars

RSA is passable. Let's take a look at Scion of Mars.

Scion of Mars:                                                                                                                                                                               The character has trained under the ochre sands of the red planet and as such has advanced knowledge of machinery. The character may attempt to manipulate devices such as enemy weapons, armour, coded doors etc. using the multitude of data fields, noospheric transmitters and electro-pulse communicators about his person. Upon passing a sagacity test the character may disable an item for one turn per 10% he passes the test by (this has no effect on mundane items such as swords, crossbows etc.). The character must be within 10 yards of the device to have an effect.

Blatantly a no-risk version of Machine Empathy; I can't say I approve. If you reduce the potency of this ability it won't look like such an obvious copy.

Arc-shot:                                                                                                                                                                                     These exotic rounds deal minimal damage, but produce a highly disruptive ionized arc discharge upon impact. Any electronic or energy-based items the target is carrying are disabled for D3 turns. Multiple impacts of Arc-shot in one turn are not cumulative. Arc-shot does D3+1 damage.

This is a bit broken. You've basically created a direct-fire haywire grenade the size of a 9mm Parabellum round. So I'd be tempted to redo this one from the ground up.

I'd retain the stubber's normal damage profile, as although the bullet itself might cause less damage, it's still emitting that energy discharge, which will presumably have an effect on flesh as well as on machinery -- keeping the original damage profile is easier than saying "X amount of location injury, add a further Y to your Injury total". I would also incorporate a random chance of the round having its effect on individual bits of technology; however, this could be as simple as saying "roll 1D6 per piece of affected equipment, on a 4+ it is affected", and then just making a single duration roll for all of them.


Hopefully that's useful.